Greetings, Blogland! I will apologize for not being more consistent this year, but if I can just be my usual transparent self for a minute… For one thing, there’s been so much going on that both makes me happy and that has broken my heart (personally as well as in our turbulent world) and I do have a partially written post about all of that. But seriously? For real, for real? I’ve been hurt and angry, and busy and bitter. I’m pretty sure that’s not what you were expecting to read, huh? But, it’s the truth. Before I go further, let me say this - to my readers who actually know me in real life, I hope that you can read without judging; this is me talking about where I am, not disparaging anyone else. K? Great, let's keep going.
You see, the days after my last post marked a year since life as I knew it changed (I want to be dramatic and say "forever," but of course I don't know that. I only know what it felt like at that time, but I digress - as usual), and I fell into a severe funk. The move, the feelings, the uncertainty, the abandonment, the memories, the feelings, the tears - they all came back. And not in a just for a moment and you move on kind of way. No, it was like I was reliving it all over again and let me tell you, it has been awful! What's worse is that it's not something you can just share with anyone, because people feel like after a year you should be well-adjusted and "ok." But who determines what is "ok" and how long it takes you to get there????
Approximately a week after my last post, my cousin died - suddenly. There was no lengthy illness, no prognosis and no warning. One minute he was here and then, suddenly, he wasn't. And we've struggled with it. I'm sure no one has struggled more than his wife and daughter, but it impacted us all. I can honestly say that the full weight of it didn't hit me until the funeral last Friday. I have an aversion to funerals, ever since my grandmother died, I can't fully explain it, but I'll try. When it's a member of my family, there is a terror that grips me the moment I pull up to the church. As I get closer to the church, I start breathing hard. Before I walk in, I have to take a deep breath and talk myself into actually going in. Pause again in the foyer, take another deep breath before walking inside. To get to the front where the rest of my family was assembled, I had to walk down a long aisle and the whole time, there was a conversation going on in my head, where I willed myself to keep walking and to not duck out before anyone saw me (I purposely skipped the wake and the group family walk in thing). I stopped short of going all the way to the front; I settled on the third row back. Too late, my cousin saw me and had me move up, closer to the fold. So I did, ended up sitting behind my mother and aunt, who were on the first row.
My cousin was a military man (USMC) and a policeman. The photo above is the keepsake that was given to his wife at the repast by the Village he served for 21 years. Flanking the (beautiful) casket were two photos that had been blown up to poster size; his boot camp photo from 1977 and his police officer photo. I tried to concentrate on the singing, the words being spoken, but I ended up just looking at the ceiling and trying not to have a full scale panic attack. I did alright for awhile, then it was just too much and I needed an escape to collect myself. I went out and found one of my first cousins in the foyer, unable to walk back in. Eventually we did, arms linked and leaning on one another. What had us so messed up? I'll tell you. It was looking around at our little family cluster and knowing that it wouldn't be long before we'd be back again and that it never gets any easier.
Anyway, the minister who gave the eulogy being apprised of the circumstances surrounding my cousin's life and sudden death, aptly titled his sermon "How do we adjust to suddenly?" That caught my attention, and as he spoke, the wheels started turning in my head and I took my phone out and started making notes (that's been happening a lot lately, probably seriously weirded my cousin out), I figured I could use them for something later (and here we are). This is what he said in reference to my cousin: don't allow grief to be the representation of his life; don't allow grief to tarnish who he was or take it into our future. Instead, he told us to stand on his legacy and memories. He really had my attention now. He used Romans 8:18 to encourage us to look towards the future: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (NIV). He further encouraged us to always thank God, even when we don't understand the "suddenly." Psalm 34:1 says: "I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will always be on my lips" (NIV). Then he said perhaps the most profound thing of all, the thing that has had me thinking for the past five days - he said, "don't let a moment convince you that there's no God."
Whoa. That was deep, right? I mean, nobody really does that, do they? I don't do that, do I???? That's what has been on my mind and I've come to the conclusion that yeah, maybe I have. Just a wee bit. Not in a my whole worldview has been shattered and the foundation of my faith is shattered kind of way, naw, not like that. But, if I'm being honest (and that's what we do, right?), I have to admit that at certain moments, the "suddenlys," if you will, I may have had the question of whether He saw me. Whether, in this huge world with all that's going on, He actually had time to see and hear me too.
Am I the only one??? I'm talking about the times when a suddenly or two comes up on you and you don't have time to catch your breath and you're in a corner with your back against the wall and you have a constant stream of tears rolling down your face and you are full of fear and panic, and you can barely even get the words to a prayer out in between your sobs - those kind of suddenlys. Because you see, framily, those are the kinds of suddenlys I've had. The kind of suddenlys that make you cry yourself to sleep, then wake up with a fresh set of tears that have you in sunglasses and reapplying your eye makeup in the office bathroom, only to cry it back off throughout the day. Job loss? Suddenly. Relationship loss? Suddenly. Friendship loss? Suddenly. Pulling the last few dollars from your savings account and you have no further resources? Suddenly. The loss of a loved one? Suddenly. When you really and truly don't know what to do, it could be very easy to fall in the mindset that there is no God or that He has forgotten about you.
And you know what? That is just what the enemy wants you to believe, that you don't matter, that you are not important and that He doesn't have time to worry about little old you. Don't believe it! The word says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV). Maybe you weren't destined to be a prophet like Jeremiah, but the point is that, He knew us all befor we were born, and He has a plan for us, even in the midst of suddenly. "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7 (NIV). If you're like me, you've probably heard that verse many times, but maybe you never understood the full weight of what it actually means. It means that He cares about you so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head, and that you are worth to him than whole groups of His other creations (paraphrasing of course)! It means that, like the Israel and New Breed song, you are NOT forgotten, God knows your name! Great spot for a song, don'tcha think? Go check out the song, you know you wanna!
What a great song, right? It always makes me happy! And it reminds me. Even in the bad times. Because here's the flip side, just as a "suddenly" can change things for worse, a suddenly can also change things for good. Don't believe me? Let's look at 2 Chronicles 29:36: "And Hezekiah rejoiced, and all the people, that God had prepared the people: for the thing was done suddenly." (KJV); "Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced at what God had brought about for his people, because it was done so quickly" (NIV). Or how about in Matthew 15 where the Canaanite woman approached Jesus for help because her daughter was demon possessed; and Jesus replied that it was not right to tkae the children's bread and toss it to the dogs. Her response was that even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table. And in verse 28, Jesus answered: "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed at that moment (NIV) or "suddenly" if you're reading KJV.
All well and good, right? How does this apply in your real life? Heck, in my real life? I'm glad you asked! What it means is that we shoudn't lose hope in the face of tragedies that suddenly occur, whether in our own personal lives or in the world. God is still God despite the bad. Instead, we are to keep our praise always (in the words of one of my favorite Fred Hammond songs) - may as well drop it here, right? Here you go:
And know that just as suddenly as tragedy happens, God can open the floodgates of heaven and bless you beyond what you could ever imagine! From job loss and unemployment to multiple job offers! From relationship loss to a better relationship! From friendship loss to new friends that truly understand the true meaning of friendship! From the loss of a loved one to the birth of a new loved one (true story, my nephew was born a year to the day after my grandmother's death).
But we still haven't answered the question, have we? The question posed by the minister and inherent in the title of this post - How do we adjust to suddenly? My answer can be summed up like this: getting into God's word for direction and trust. And here is my scriptural authority:
Psalm 119:105: "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (NIV)
and
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight" (NIV) or "He will direct your path" for the KJV people.
It's not easy, not by a long shot. But, every day is a new day to try again. And who knows? Today could just be the day that your "suddenly" comes!
Anybody else out there either adjusting to a suddenly or suddenly been blessed? Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!!! Be Blessed! xoxoxoxo
Farewell, Cousin Felton! I'm glad God saw fit to have us be family. Your legacy of serving and protecting will live on.
