Reflections on being 45…it has been the best of times and the worst of times!

Happy Tuesday, Blog Framily!  I hope you’ve had a wonderful three weeks!  I have been enjoying my birthday... The big 45.  I paused for a minute to let that sink in (I've been letting it sink in for the past 3 weeks...).

I am truly grateful to God for allowing me to have 45 years on this side and to experience all parts of life, the good, the bad, the ugly!!! Because, face it, it is all parts of life that have shaped me into the me of today (the good, the bad and the ugly…).  Here’s a recap:

I was born – May 25, 1971!  Not born under the ideal circumstances at the time, but I was born.  Here’s a baby picture, not newborn, we had a fire and my baby book was destroyed, but an infant photo just the same:  

And I was given the blessing of being raised by my maternal grandparents, who were to me, simply “Gramma and Gran-deddy” (you have to get that phonetic pronunciation going).

I attended an awesome preschool at Triedstone Full Gospel Church, where I learned to read very early and my love of reading was born (I was reading my mom’s books when I was in kindergarten)!  This is where I had my first graduation; I still remember us singing and performing “10 little Indian boys and girls” (I had forgotten that, it just came back to my remembrance today).  Here’s a picture of my graduation, it’s from 1976:

I attended Bates School (which no longer exists) where I had some awesome teachers that recognized my academic potential and jumped me after a week or two in first grade to second grade.  It was at Bates where I met some folks that would become eternal friends, where I developed my abhorrence for chocolate (milk, ice cream, pudding, frosting, egh!), where I was encouraged to just keep reading and writing, where my fear of worms and dogs was tested to new heights, where I had my first fight and my first crush.  It was also at Bates School where my 5^th grade teacher recommended that I (along with 3 other students) go to Kellogg School to be part of the options for knowledge program, a move that changed my life.

1981 found me being bussed to Kellogg and it was such an important part of my life journey!  I was in the options program in 6^th grade, and it was there I learned to research and really develop my writing.  It was a small school, only one class for each grade, and we were relatively close.  My graduating class had 32 people in it!  It was there I had access to physical science and biology classes, made lifetime friends, participated in “teach-ins” and plays, went to the opera, and was exposed to different things outside of my neighborhood, like a progressive dinner (which I SHALL recreate one day!).  I wish I had pictures, but we were busy living life, not photographing it!  I do have some pictures from my 8^th grade graduation; this is one with me with my mom back in 1984 after the graduation:

The next phase of my life was high school; from 1984-1988, I was an Honors Student at Morgan Park High School right on the south side of Chicago!  There I started my 4-year journey with a small group of students who were in the Honors Track with me and met some others along the way; again, lifetime friendships were formed.  It was there that I had experimental haircuts (asymmetrical bob, anyone?), survived neon and an obsessive fascination with pink during 1985, went on college tours, had sleepovers, played sports, went on dates (once I was old enough), learned how to drive, had my first heartbreak, had my first job (Brown’s Chicken on 116^th & Western), had many excursions to Evergreen Plaza, and enjoyed the heck out of my senior year, including prom.  Those were some of the best years of my life!!!  Here is my "official" senior year book picture:

After that was college; from 1988-1992 I was a student at the University of Illinois in Urbana –Champaign, where I attended on full scholarship.  It was there that I joined my sorority (Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc.), learned that I actually needed to STUDY to get good grades, traveled up and down I-57 more times that I can count, gained and lost the freshman 15, went on road trips, learned to truly live on my own, lost my grandfather (1992, 3 weeks before graduation), grew up and made lifelong friends.  My college graduation was one of the best days of my life, May 17, 1992 (I graduated just mere days before my 21^st birthday):  

Then that came my first forays into real adulthood (1992-2000):  I entered law school (I left law school; took a gap year then went back again), I got engaged and married (later separated and divorced), bought a house, became a mother (to the Teen), went back to school and graduated again, and met who would then become my second husband.  Here are my two graduation photos from John Marshall in 1997 and 2000, respectively:

Just before my 30^th birthday, I got married again and experienced a wonderful honeymoon in Italy.  I had my 30^th birthday twice, once in Rome and then again in Chicago when I got home where my grandmother had prepared all of my favorite foods!  Then just after my 30^th birthday, all hell broke loose.  I was pregnant at the time and ended up in the hospital having emergency surgery on June 19, 2001, when my (unknown) ectopic pregnancy burst my fallopian tube.  I almost died.  To say that was a life-changing event is truly the understatement of ever.  I was hurt and angry.  I had lost my baby and almost my life.  But on the brighter side, I was able to spend that whole summer with the teen before he started school in the fall and we had many adventures!

Fast forward (2002+): We had a house built in the suburbs, was pregnant again in 2003 (after a miscarriage in 2002), gave birth to the tween in 2004 and was generally ok in life… until it changed again!  I turned 35 in 2006 and was feeling rather blah with things.  So the next few years found me separated (again) and moving with my babies in 2009.  Life still went on; I went back to school again (2009), lost my grandma (2010), turned 40 (2011), began a relationship I thought would be my last (it clearly wasn’t), moved again and life was good.. until it wasn’t.  Here's my 2011 graduation picture from Governors State:

The rest of the story you already know:  lost my job in 2013, lost some friends and my relationship (2015), and lost my house (2015), but here I stand.  I gained an awesome church family (Victory Apostolic), began working on several ministries there, became a board member for Habitat for Humanity South Suburbs (2015), joined the Top Ladies (2016), reconnected with some wonderful people and developed some new friendships as well, and am slowly, but surely, righting my balance. 

And that brings us to today, just three weeks after my 45^th birthday, which I celebrated with 50-60 of my friends and family with a Kate Spade-inspired party!  Wasn’t I cute????  

When I look back over my life’s journey, like everyone else’s, it’s not a straight line, but a series of ups and downs as I experienced the best of times and sometimes the worst of times.  But I can truly say that I’ve been blessed and I indeed have a testimony.  I can also say that I’m content and have joy! No, things aren’t perfect where I stand right now, not by a long shot.  But I can see the hand of God at work in my life, from having me skip 1^st grade to living with my grandparents to sending me to U of I on a full scholarship, to passing the bar exam on the first try under truly egregious and mostly non-existent study conditions, to every unhappy ending and each new beginning – brand new mercies everyday!!! Looking back gives me even more hope for the future!  My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades!!!

Scripture says:  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path – Proverbs 3:5-6.  I don’t know about you, but I am learning more and more each day to trust God with EVERYTHING, even the things that seem small, and to listen to the urgings of the Holy Spirit in telling me what to do.  And you know what?  He will indeed direct your path!  It is a learning curve, for sure, but it gets easier and easier the more you do it.

 

I would like to take this time to thank my village – my family and friends – who have been there through all of it:  the good times, the bad times, the happy times, the sad times.  As one of my favorite songs by the Mississippi Mass Choir says:  "having you there made the difference."  So thank you.  I appreciate and love my village so much, even though I'm not always able to see or talk to them, I know they are there, rooting for me, praying for me. And it makes it all worth it.

I know that I have indeed been blessed in my 45 years; and I believe that God still has yet to do his greatest work through me.  Right now, I am going where He leads me and enjoying each step of the journey.  I hope that you will trust Him with your journey too!

Have a blessed week!  Oh and I'm still collecting birthday wishes, so Holla @ Darvi!!!

xoxoxo

When life gives you lemons... (Trust Part II)

Happy Wednesday, Blogland! (yes, I know that it's officially Thursday, but since I haven't gone to bed yet, it's still Wednesday to me - I know I'm not the only one...)!

I hope that the week has been kind to you all so far; here in Chicago it has been super cold since Sunday!  Not so cold that school was closed, but cold enough.  Tomorrow it is supposed to warm up, so I'm glad about that. 

Why did I choose that as the title of this post?  I'm glad you asked...

Today started off as a very trying day - overslept (was apparently exhausted last night), rushing the Teen and the Tween out the door, got the Tween to school and she had no hat or gloves (in 2 degree weather), had to search through the car for my spare pair of gloves, then I was rushing to make the train, wedged my car into a tiny space (the plowing situation has apparently given people license to take up more real estate than they are normally allowed between the little yellow lines), ran halfway 'cross the lot to catch the train that was coming in 3 minutes when I realized that I didn't have my purse with me... No purse meant no driver's license, no wallet, no train ticket!  I sighed, promptly turned around and made my way back to my car where I shimmied back into the car (don't even ask, I'm just glad there was no one with a camera around) and drove back home.  Oh yeah, forgot that my boot broke too and I was going to have to change them also.  So needless to say, I was super irritated with the Tween and with myself for forgetting my purse because I was now going to be late!

On the way to the house, I decided that I would just drive downtown because I would be really late if I waited for the next train, and the parking situation wasn't going to get better... So when I got home, I took off the broken boots, walked up the stairs to grab my purse and make myself a cup of coffee for the road.  My cup of coffee was the lemonade for my lemons, or so I thought (I rationalized that the cost of parking was half of what I was planning to spend at Dunkin Donuts, so it made perfect sense to me).

As I walked up the stairs past the front door, I saw that the front door was totally unlocked (thanks to the Teen who leaves out before us; normally I catch it when we leave but today the Tween and I went out downstairs through the garage...). I quickly locked the door, shook my head and continued to the kitchen to make my coffee.  My "trying" morning that led to me returning home was actually a blessing; it allowed me to lock the house up! (The real lemonade of the day) I don't even want to think of what could have happened otherwise - thank God I had to return home today!

Oftentimes we are irritated by life's inconveniences, stressors, tests and trials.  I am raising my hand, because I am a person who hates to be inconvenienced and these days it doesn't take long for stress to overtake me and those things can, if I'm not careful, put a damper on my entire day!  But what if we looked at those negatives in a different light?  What if we looked at them with the perspective that sometimes things that appear negative on their face are really blessings/protection in disguise?  I'm sure you've seen the emails/Facebook posts about the grumbling saint who was late for work because of car trouble and several other mishaps during his day.  During his prayer time, he grumbled to God about why He allowed all of those bad things to happen.  In response, God told him that he let him sleep longer because the death angel had come for him and his protector angel fought for him; he had car trouble because there was accident and he would have been in the middle of it; and the day went on.  Sheepishly, instead of complaining, all the man could do is say "thank you."  (I'm trying to locate it now because I'm sure I didn't do it justice here, but you get the idea).  Found it!  It's called, "Conversation with God," and here's the link if you want to read it yourself.

I repeat my grandmother all the time, "we can only see to the corner, but God can see around it."  What does that mean?  That means that although we don't know what lies ahead, He does.  And sometimes life's inconveniences are sent our way to keep us out of harm's way.  

Scripture tells us that God is our protector; He has our back!  Don't believe me?  Look here:

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 54:17   no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”

Psalm 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 91:1-3   He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

Psalm 121:7-8   The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. 8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

2Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Sometimes we have to learn to thank God for what He didn't give us:  that job you just had to have and were disappointed that you didn't get, only to learn that the whole department got laid off 6 months later - Thank you God!  That event you were dying to go to and you just couldn't get the timing together, only to learn that something bad happened there and you were the only person not involved - Thank you God! Everyone can come up tons of examples, but you get the picture.  I told you all a few months ago about how I lost some "friends" and it was a hard situation to deal with at the time and I kinda missed my phone ringing.  But you know what?  When I look back on what those conversations sometimes consisted of (nothing positive, complaining and folks always looking for an "amen corner" to their self-righteous mess), I thank God that they don't call me any more - I don't have time for that mess, and there is the added benefit that now my name can't be put in the middle of mess because I am not on the call list...!

What am I saying - that you should never get irritated when negative things come your way? Absolutely not, because that would make me the QUEEN of the hypocrites!  But what I am saying is that after your blood pressure has gotten you up to 29 (some of y'all are gonna miss that one), just stop and say, "Lord, I don't know why this happened, but I thank you for protecting me from things seen and unseen today."  We have no idea of the many obstacles that come in our path but are blocked by the angels that God has protecting each and every one of us.  Reminds me of a song, "God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr, you can listen to it here. 
Found a picture that sums it all up:

Scripture says that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  Ephesians 6:12  I thank God for the angels that protect me and mine daily; I don't know, nor do I want to know, all of the things that did not happen!  Yeah, I may have gotten hit with a few pebbles, but... 

This is truly not what I intended to write about today, but talking about my morning allowed for our conversation to go in this direction. But, I still get to bring it back to my intended topic for the day- Trust.  Yep.  We have to learn to trust God no matter what is going on in our world.  I thought I wouldn't be able to work in a nugget from Pastor Singleton's sermon (1/3/2016), but here we go:

- He promised to be with us, no matter what the future holds; God's got "this" even when you don't know what "this" is yet!

I'm just going to let that sit right there... 

So my Darvism for the day?  We have to learn to trust His plan, even when it looks like bad things are happening to us from our limited perspective and know that He has our back, no matter what.  And make lemonade with those lemons!

Anyone else ever have a morning like mine?  You know the drill, Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!  Be blessed and stay warm!

xoxoxo 

Growing up...

Happy Wednesday,  blog land! I hope everyone has been well. I fully intended to post last week but this lack of electronics or Internet access during the day is more than a notion!  By the time I get home, I don't want to see a computer! Plus, I was tied up every evening last week (go figure)... so please continue to pray for me; I've got a month yet to go on this project! 

I don't think I noted when I last posted that I had been up very late two days that week working on a project with the Tween that I was unaware of for her music class.  I didn't know until the teacher emailed her concerns because she thought it hadn't been worked on.  So we had to rework the project and it cost me two nights of sleep!  I'm pleased to report that my sleeplessness wasn't in vain as the Tween got an A on her music project and her extra credit work was kept as an example by the teacher.  So, as much as I wanted to send her to bed and just finish it for her the first night, I'm glad I took the extra time and let her finish it herself (with direction), even though it took an extra day.  She was very pleased and happy that I made her start over (because of the outstanding final result).  Kudos to the Tween!

The Teen received his first grades from the new school; I am pleased with his progress for the most part (he needs to bring up that Trig grade).  I am very happy that he seems to be adjusting to the new school and new instructors and catching up (they started earlier than his old school did).

This past weekend, I had the opportunity attended the homegoing services of a powerhouse woman who attended the church that I grew up at, Ambassadors For Christ, COGIC, where my grandmother served until she died and my aunt is still serving.  Walking in there was like walking into my past; I spent so much of my life there!  It was like a reunion of sorts, and save for the occasion, it would have been!  I almost expected to see my grandmother walking down the aisle at any minute; that's how powerful the memories were!

The services were in honor of Rochelle White, or "RoRo" as she was affectionately known. I of course knew her when I was a child, but as an adult, I had the opportunity to work with her on the Pastoral Expense Committee.  She was such a hard worker, always full of ideas and easy to work with.  I truly enjoyed working with her and it was one of the things I really missed when I changed my membership.  One of my first memories of Rochelle was when she first started coming to AFC and bringing her two little boys with her, Stanley and Freddie.  At that time, she didn't say too much, just sat in her seat (which continued to be her seat over the years), and corralled her boys (who had loads of energy).  As time wore on and she joined the church, I had the opportunity to watch the boys grow up (they are in my brother's age group and they are friends).  I watched them from toddler/primary years up until Stanley went away to college. When that group of young people were teens, they revamped the young people's choir (in the mid 1990s) and really found their own voice and their own place.  My brother was one of the lead singers and directors, and little Freddie was a director, drummer and was beginning to learn keyboarding.  I supported them like the proud big sister that I was. Then as time wore on, I got married and changed churches, they all began growing up themselves, getting married and having their own children.  So when I saw them all grown up on Saturday, particularly Stanley and Freddie, with their own families, I felt a burst of the pride that their mother must have felt every time she looked at them!  I marvelled that those same two little boys who used to come to church and sit with their mother were now grown up, married and parents to their own little ones who they take to church with them.  And that's not all - little Stanley is now a minister and little Freddie has his own gospel group!  I know Rochelle was proud and I am too!  So kudos to the now grown up White boys; you did your mother and all of your AFC family proud!  May God continue to bless you richly as you continue your mother's legacy of hard work for your church and instilling a solid value system in your own children!

Sunday I made it to second service at... wait for it... Victory Apostolic Church!  Pastor Singleton's sermon was on "Growing Up," which was so fitting given my experience the day before.  I will briefly touch on the things that stuck out in the message to me (The scripture text was Ephesians 4:11-16 for reference).  

• Growing up means living long enough to reach adulthood (in light of recent events in Chicago, we know that adulthood is not promised to all children);
• Grown ups accept responsibility without complaint and take responsibility for their own actions and the consequences thereof;
• Spirituality is a large part of growing up (1 Corinthians 3:1-3; Hebrews 5:12-14);
• Maturity in Christ is about how you submit yourself to God every day;
• He noted the 3 Hebrew boys of the old testament and how they were spiritually mature even though they were only 17 years old (See Daniel 3);
• Being spiritually mature means making decisions for God irrespective of the outcome (which is pleasing to God);
• Pastor Singleton also spoke of defining moments: they display what you are made of - they don't make you (the opposite of what is often stated today) - they are the intersections in life and others lives' are often impacted by your decisions (sometimes years later);
• live with foresight (looking forward to weigh the consequences to make good decisions today) instead of with hindsight (looking back and wishing for do overs);
• EVERYONE has their own "trial by fire;" even Jesus (when he went into the mountains after his baptism and was tempted by the devil) - while you can't control the fire itself, you can control what you do while in it!
• And after the fire, God will take you higher (see what happened to the 3 Hebrew boys in Daniel 3:30)

What  a great sermon!  And, just what I needed as I prepare to embark on some new chapters in my own life that will require even more growing up than I already have done. After church on Sunday, I signed up for Discipleship 101, the first class in Victory's 4-year Discipleship University.  I was all proud of myself; I didn't actually read the brochure until the next day and I found out that the class is 34 weeks.  Come again????  I was almost ready to pull out!  Which brings me to the second thing - I joined the "Journey Sisters" ministry at church (orientation meeting was on Monday night), where we will have accountability partners for support and encouragement as we work towards our personal goals for the next year.  When I went to the first meeting back in September, I was in such a bad place, but felt that it was where I needed to be.  Today, I'm in a much better place (been watching God move in my life as I have become a tad more spiritually mature and learned to yield in obedience), so I was looking forward to the meeting and just sharing more with the women of Victory (I don't really know a lot of people yet).  So I'm excited about my journeys - they will lead to more growing up, I'm sure.  The third thing, well, you're just going to have to wait for that!

So to everyone that is in the midst of your trial by fire, I say to you, just hold on.  I know firsthand that it is completely unbearable at times and you feel like you can't make it or take not one more step because you are just hurting and feel as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.  I've been there more times than I can count, especially in the last 2 years!   But I can promise you that He is there with you, every hard step of the way, and He will send people to you to encourage you.  Some days it's like the song from the old Santa Claus is Coming to Town cartoon:  "put one foot in front of the other," (you can hear it here for a bit of nostalgia).  Sometimes all you will be able to focus on is getting through the one day, real talk.  And that's ok.  One day at a time.  Being spiritually grown up puts you in the direct line of fire, but you have to go through the fire to have your testimony. So stay encouraged!

What does growing up mean to you these days??? Holla @ Darvi and share your thoughts. Have a blessed week! 

Reflections on Grandma...

Hello, Blogland! Today is a special day, not because it's Thursday, but because it marks what would have been my late grandmother's 98th birthday.  And just because I can, I wanted to share some reflections in her honor.  Because I was, most definitely, a Grandma's Girl (I lived in my grandmother's house from 1979 until I got married in 1995).. 

My grandmother, Alberta Sims Givhan, was born on October 22, 1917, in Mississippi.  She was the youngest and only girl of seven.  She married my grandfather, James D. Givhan, in 1936, and migrated to Chicago in 1938 or 1939 (the dates are slipping by me and she's not here for me to ask...) after selling her cow.  When I asked her why she moved to Chicago, she said she didn't want to pick any more cotton.  She was so determined to leave that she left her husband and baby down there (he eventually got the message that she wasn't coming back and soon joined her in Chicago).  She said she came to Chicago for a better life and more opportunity.  She began her "career" in Chicago as a domestic worker and eventually became a factory worker (she was the first woman to run the die cut machine in the box factory where she worked) until her retirement.  She was very firm in her faith and active in her church (having helped to start a neighborhood church in the 1950s or 1960s).  She only had an elementary school education, but she was an avid reader (that may be where I get it)!  She was a great listener and gave great advice without being judgmental (if the many late night phone calls from friends, family and church members were any indication).  And she loved baseball (she would have been thrilled that the Cubs played well this year).  

Now, my grandparents' house was nothing special in the grand scheme of things, it was just a regular Chicago bungalow, in a regular neighborhood, on a regular block on the south side of the City.  It definitely wasn't fancy, but it was always welcoming (I know I mentioned that part in a previous post).  We had plastic slipcovered furniture in the "front" room (you know, the room no one could go in unless company was over) and a set of praying hands on the coffee table all through my youth.  We had two phones, a rotary, wall-mounted one in the kitchen and one in her bedroom (I eventually persuaded her to get touch tone dialing in the 1990s...).   

It was at grandma's house where our family gathered: for the everyday and the holidays.  It was also at grandma's house where I learned to cook, to mend socks, sew buttons back on shirts, pay bills and balance a checkbook.  I also learned faithfulness in tithe-paying, praying and the importance of regular church attendance (and studying the Word on your own).  She was generous to friends, family and strangers.  She was nice, but she was also strict.  I wasn't allowed to play secular music in the house until the mid-1980s.  I had to be home when the street lights came on.  Church attendance was mandatory and I had a RIDICULOUSLY early curfew when I was in high school!  She did not tolerate lying or stealing from anyone.  She kept her a "piece" in the house and had no qualms about pulling it out if necessary...  She was a breast cancer survivor and rocked chemo (never lost a single strand of hair or was ill during her treatments).  She was also fun:  she loved watching game shows, and playing games, and at the church picnic each year, she would hit the heck out of a softball!  As she got older, she was just plain funny; she was famous for mixing things up:  referring to "condoms" as "condos," called a "Gucci" purse a "coogy purse," and her version of "the talk" was "keep your legs closed, skirt down and panties up."  Yep, gotta love grandma!

As I got older, I took great pride in being able to do things for her because she did so much for me.  I paid bills for her, bought her furniture, bought her clothing and jewelry, and we had many breakfast, dinner and lunch dates.  She was my favorite date!  Two of her favorite places to go were Moy's Chinese Restaurant in Beverly (it's closed now) and Mattson's Steakhouse on Cicero.  We shared many great times together over meals.  As she got older, and the different health ailments began to arise, I would drop whatever I was doing and go to the hospital and sit and wait.  When she came home, I altered my work schedule so I could sit with her (I was blessed to have a very understanding boss who gave me the flexibility to do it).  And guess what?  I didn't mind at all because of all she had done for me. 

She's been gone just over 5 years now, and I think I just got used to the idea that she's not here anymore.  I just deleted her phone number from my cell phone when I got my new phone last month (that was very hard, by the way).  I try very hard to walk the path she showed me, I don't always get it right, but I'm still working on it, grandma.  Sometimes, like right now, I am just so overcome by the loss that it is almost unbearable!  But even through my tears, I smile and thank God for allowing me to have her for 39 years and for both of my children to know her and love her also.  I knew realistically that she would have to go eventually, but I still wasn't prepared.  I thank God for being at the hospital with her all day on the day she died (she waited until after my mom & I left to make her transition, I think I would have been forever traumatized if I had witnessed that, just saying).  I still miss her very, very much - the sense of loss never goes away, and sometimes I do cry, but I know that she is with me in spirit. 

Now, I'm sure that everyone thinks that their grandma is special, and I'm sure she is.  That's how it's supposed to be.  Grandmothers are special.  But mine?  She's still my favorite girl... Happy Birthday, Grandma!!!  I love you to the moon and back!    

Me & My Grandma, circa 1974/75

And just because this song always makes me think of my grandma, I will share it with you:  Diane Reeves, Better Days (The Grandma Song) here.

So here's to the great grandmas in the world - tell me about yours!  Holla @ Darvi!  Have an awesome Thursday, everyone!!! 

What's in a name???

Annnnd it's Wednesday - good day people, good day!  So the Chicago area has been SWELTERING for the past few days (although I dare not complain as winter is surely a'coming and faster than I would like)... Sometimes the first thing people miss in the heat is staying hydrated - so please lay off the sugary drinks and make sure you drink plenty of water.  That's my PSA for the day.

So today we're going to talk about names.  Not as in baby names (although I do fondly remember those days), but more along the lines of what your name says about you.  That was the subject of the eulogy at Mrs. Harris' funeral that I attended over the weekend and it's stuck with me ever since.

When it comes to names, I've had a love-hate relationship with mine.  As a child, it was very difficult living with a nine-letter name that your mother had made up as opposed to just opening a book and chose.  It was a mouthful to say and to this day, whenever I'm in a new environment, I always know when people get to my name because they pause to try and wrap their minds around the pronunciation of it.  My response?  I usually smile and say "that's me."  Then when asked, I say it for them and immediately shorten it to my nickname to make it easier for them.  They are, more often than not, visibly relieved for the reprieve...
As I've gotten older, I've embraced my name and the time that my mother took to really think about it all and giving me such a unique name - thanks, mom!  I am almost 100% guaranteed to NEVER run into anyone with the same name in any setting; it belongs to me and me alone. 

But even acknowledging that, the question remains - what's in a name?  I'm talking beyond the superficial cuteness of the name or your different spelling of a common name.  I even mean beyond what society has determined that your particular name means (and if you want to check yours, you can do so here).  What I'm talking about is the real nitty-gritty; as in when people hear your name, what does it mean to them. 

Ouch.  Yeah, I know that for some people, that is a matter that they don't even want to think about.  But the reality is, whether you think about it or not, it is a valid assessment and it will be made, with or without your permission. 

I grew up in my grandparents' house on the far south side of Chicago.  My grandmother was the matriarch of our family (both sides, imagine that!).  Additionally, she was very active in her church, serving continually on the board of trustees, the missionary board and until her death in 2010, as the "Church Mother" (some of y'all have no IDEA what that is, lol!).  Besides all that, she served as a confidant, friend and advisor to many people far and wide.  Reflecting on my life in my grandparents' house (I lived there from 1979-1995), there are several things that stick out:

1) Our door was always open.  Literally.  As in our front door was unlocked from 9am- 10pm every single day.  That used to freak me out sometimes, but in reflection I understand that it was two-fold:  a) my grandmother's name carried so much weight in our community that no one was going to enter our door for harm and b) the door was always open and anyone was welcome to enter.

2) Many people relied on the advice and counsel of my grandmother:  relatives, friends, neighbors, church members, past co-workers, her children, their friends, her grandchildren and their friends.  At her funeral, person after person stood up and said how they had a personal relationship with her, how wise she was and how she gave advice without judgment, no matter what the circumstance.  She logged many, many hours on her phone talking to people late into the night about whatever issues they were sorting through, again, without judgment but just offering advice.

3) One could always gather 'round our table for a meal, family or not.  If you walked through our open door for some of her advice around dinner time, you were going to be offered a plate.  Now, we weren't rich or even middle class (got that rude awakening in high school, but I digress), but we always had food on the table and a plate to share (it may have been mismatched, but it was a plate).  I watched my cousins' friends enjoy the holidays with us, and as I grew up and brought friends over during high school and college, they joined us at the table also.

I hope you see where I'm going with this - the value of a name.  My grandmother had a good name.  It meant something, no matter what circle she was in.  It meant something on our street - no one was going to bother "Ms. Givens" (because no one could figure out how to pronounce our last name, lol!  For the record, it is spelled Givhan and pronounced "Give-ahn").  Additionally, everyone knew that they could go to Ms. Givens' house and get a meal, get a few dollars, or get a ride.  At church, everyone knew they could count on Mother Givens to support the ministry, to be fair and decisive on the trustee board, that she could be trusted with the money and that she would give sound counsel without judging.  So when she became sick and subsequently died, we were flooded with visits, calls, food, cards and money from all of the people she had touched during her life.  Most of them always led with the same thing:  "I heard and just had to come and see about Ms./Sister/Mother Givens."  At the funeral, there was standing room only and even the vestibule was full of people who felt that they just had to come and pay their respects to Ms./Sister/Mother Givens. 

I felt good and proud to be related to such a person; someone whose name alone held such esteem and value in her community.  People still ask me if I'm "Ms./Sister/Mother Givens'" granddaughter.  And I always smile and say yes, knowing that is a good thing.

It's also how I felt while sitting at Mrs. Harris' funeral on Saturday and listening to her family, her daughter's friends, her church family and the eulogy.  Mrs. Harris had a good name - it was epitomized by how she carried herself:  in kindness, in gentleness, with a smile, through helping others - all characteristics that will live on longer than she did.

This is also something I've spent more and more time thinking about as I get older - what does my name mean?  I've done good things, great things even, and some not so good things.  I've had successes and failures.  I've given kind words and I've given harsh words.  Yep, I'm pretty much human, just like everyone else!  But the real question is what will the lasting effects of my name mean, and that's what I try to work on every day.  I work daily on doing more good than bad things, having more successes than failures and more kind words as opposed to the sometimes harsher words that are having a party in my head!  I am a work in progress!  But know that I am working...

I've said all of this to make one simple statement:  you control what your name means.  You alone.  Even if it is less than you want it to mean at this moment I have good news:  you still have time to change that!  Every day that you wake up is a new opportunity to work on changing it.  So if your name currently means bad attitude, selfishness and negativity, you can change it to pleasant, generous and upbeat.  If you are the type of person who makes people cringe when you walk into a room, you can work on becoming a person that everyone is happy to see.  If your name is associated with dishonesty and untrustworthiness, you can change that too.  At the end of the day, it's all up to you.  Know that your name is indeed your legacy.  So I ask you - what's in YOUR name???

Has anyone else ever thought about this or am I by myself? Holla @ Darvi!  Be Blessed!