Adjusting to Suddenly...

Greetings, Blogland!  I will apologize for not being more consistent this year, but if I can just be my usual transparent self for a minute… For one thing, there’s been so much going on that both makes me happy and that has broken my heart (personally as well as in our turbulent world) and I do have a partially written post about all of that.  But seriously? For real, for real?  I’ve been hurt and angry, and busy and bitter.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what you were expecting to read, huh?  But, it’s the truth.  Before I go further, let me say this - to my readers who actually know me in real life, I hope that you can read without judging; this is me talking about where I am, not disparaging anyone else.  K?  Great, let's keep going.

You see, the days after my last post marked a year since life as I knew it changed (I want to be dramatic and say "forever," but of course I don't know that. I only know what it felt like at that time, but I digress - as usual), and I fell into a severe funk.  The move, the feelings, the uncertainty, the abandonment, the memories, the feelings, the tears - they all came back. And not in a just for a moment and you move on kind of way.  No, it was like I was reliving it all over again and let me tell you, it has been awful!  What's worse is that it's not something you can just share with anyone, because people feel like after a year you should be well-adjusted and "ok." But who determines what is "ok" and how long it takes you to get there????

Approximately a week after my last post, my cousin died - suddenly.  There was no lengthy illness, no prognosis and no warning.  One minute he was here and then, suddenly, he wasn't.  And we've struggled with it.  I'm sure no one has struggled more than his wife and daughter, but it impacted us all.  I can honestly say that the full weight of it didn't hit me until the funeral last Friday. I have an aversion to funerals, ever since my grandmother died, I can't fully explain it, but I'll try.  When it's a member of my family, there is a terror that grips me the moment I pull up to the church.  As I get closer to the church, I start breathing hard. Before I walk in, I have to take a deep breath and talk myself into actually going in.  Pause again in the foyer, take another deep breath before walking inside.  To get to the front where the rest of my family was assembled, I had to walk down a long aisle and the whole time, there was a conversation going on in my head, where I willed myself to keep walking and to not duck out before anyone saw me (I purposely skipped the wake and the group family walk in thing).  I stopped short of going all the way to the front; I settled on the third row back. Too late, my cousin saw me and had me move up, closer to the fold.  So I did, ended up sitting behind my mother and aunt, who were on the first row.  

My cousin was a military man (USMC) and a policeman. The photo above is the keepsake that was given to his wife at the repast by the Village he served for 21 years. Flanking the (beautiful) casket were two photos that had been blown up to poster size; his boot camp photo from 1977 and his police officer photo.  I tried to concentrate on the singing, the words being spoken, but I ended up just looking at the ceiling and trying not to have a full scale panic attack.  I did alright for awhile, then it was just too much and I needed an escape to collect myself. I went out and found one of my first cousins in the foyer, unable to walk back in.  Eventually we did, arms linked and leaning on one another.  What had us so messed up?  I'll tell you. It was looking around at our little family cluster and knowing that it wouldn't be long before we'd be back again and that it never gets any easier.  

Anyway, the minister who gave the eulogy being apprised of the circumstances surrounding my cousin's life and sudden death, aptly titled his sermon "How do we adjust to suddenly?" That caught my attention, and as he spoke, the wheels started turning in my head and I took my phone out and started making notes (that's been happening a lot lately, probably seriously weirded my cousin out), I figured I could use them for something later (and here we are).  This is what he said in reference to my cousin:  don't allow grief to be the representation of his life; don't allow grief to tarnish who he was or take it into our future. Instead, he told us to stand on his legacy and memories.  He really had my attention now. He used Romans 8:18 to encourage us to look towards the future:  "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (NIV). He further encouraged us to always thank God, even when we don't understand the "suddenly."  Psalm 34:1 says:  "I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will always be on my lips" (NIV). Then he said perhaps the most profound thing of all, the thing that has had me thinking for the past five days - he said, "don't let a moment convince you that there's no God."  

Whoa.  That was deep, right?  I mean, nobody really does that, do they? I don't do that, do I????  That's what has been on my mind and I've come to the conclusion that yeah, maybe I have.  Just a wee bit.  Not in a my whole worldview has been shattered and the foundation of my faith is shattered kind of way, naw, not like that.  But, if I'm being honest (and that's what we do, right?), I have to admit that at certain moments, the "suddenlys," if you will, I may have had the question of whether He saw me.  Whether, in this huge world with all that's going on, He actually had time to see and hear me too.  

Am I the only one??? I'm talking about the times when a suddenly or two comes up on you and you don't have time to catch your breath and you're in a corner with your back against the wall and you have a constant stream of tears rolling down your face and you are full of fear and panic, and you can barely even get the words to a prayer out in between your sobs - those kind of suddenlys. Because you see, framily, those are the kinds of suddenlys I've had.  The kind of suddenlys that make you cry yourself to sleep, then wake up with a fresh set of tears that have you in sunglasses and reapplying your eye makeup in the office bathroom, only to cry it back off throughout the day.  Job loss?  Suddenly.  Relationship loss?  Suddenly.  Friendship loss?  Suddenly.  Pulling the last few dollars from your savings account and you have no further resources?  Suddenly.  The loss of a loved one? Suddenly. When you really and truly don't know what to do, it could be very easy to fall in the mindset that there is no God or that He has forgotten about you.    

And you know what?  That is just what the enemy wants you to believe, that you don't matter, that you are not important and that He doesn't have time to worry about little old you. Don't believe it!  The word says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV). Maybe you weren't destined to be a prophet like Jeremiah, but the point is that, He knew us all befor we were born, and He has a plan for us, even in the midst of suddenly.  "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  Luke 12:7 (NIV).  If you're like me, you've probably heard that verse many times, but maybe you never understood the full weight of what it actually means.  It means that He cares about you so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head, and that you are worth to him than whole groups of His other creations (paraphrasing of course)!  It means that, like the Israel and New Breed song, you are NOT forgotten, God knows your name!  Great spot for a song, don'tcha think?  Go check out the song, you know you wanna!   

What a great song, right?  It always makes me happy!  And it reminds me.  Even in the bad times.  Because here's the flip side, just as a "suddenly" can change things for worse, a suddenly can also change things for good.  Don't believe me?  Let's look at 2 Chronicles 29:36:  "And Hezekiah rejoiced, and all the people, that God had prepared the people: for the thing was done suddenly." (KJV); "Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced at what God had brought about for his people, because it was done so quickly" (NIV).  Or how about in Matthew 15 where the Canaanite woman approached Jesus for help because her daughter was demon possessed; and Jesus replied that it was not right to tkae the children's bread and toss it to the dogs. Her response was that even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.  And in verse 28, Jesus answered:  "Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed at that moment (NIV) or "suddenly" if you're reading KJV.  

All well and good, right?  How does this apply in your real life?  Heck, in my real life? I'm glad you asked!  What it means is that we shoudn't lose hope in the face of tragedies that suddenly occur, whether in our own personal lives or in the world.  God is still God despite the bad.  Instead, we are to keep our praise always (in the words of one of my favorite Fred Hammond songs) - may as well drop it here, right?  Here you go:

And know that just as suddenly as tragedy happens, God can open the floodgates of heaven and bless you beyond what you could ever imagine!  From job loss and unemployment to multiple job offers! From relationship loss to a better relationship! From friendship loss to new friends that truly understand the true meaning of friendship! From the loss of a loved one to the birth of a new loved one (true story, my nephew was born a year to the day after my grandmother's death).  

But we still haven't answered the question, have we?  The question posed by the minister and inherent in the title of this post - How do we adjust to suddenly?  My answer can be summed up like this:  getting into God's word for direction and trust.  And here is my scriptural authority:

Psalm 119:105:  "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (NIV)

and

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight" (NIV) or "He will direct your path" for the KJV people.  

It's not easy, not by a long shot.  But, every day is a new day to try again.  And who knows? Today could just be the day that your "suddenly" comes!

Anybody else out there either adjusting to a suddenly or suddenly been blessed?  Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!!!  Be Blessed! xoxoxoxo

Farewell, Cousin Felton!  I'm glad God saw fit to have us be family.  Your legacy of serving and protecting will live on.  

Falling Off The Wagon... (Trust - Part III)

Happy Friday (yes, it really is Friday - I checked)!  It's the weekend, baby and I'm looking forward to it!!!  I have a full day Saturday lined up (I hope my energy level stays up enough for me to actually make all of these things):  Centennial Kickoff Celebration for my high school, Morgan Park (my whole family except one person went there; we have graduates from 1955-1997, so it's a big deal for my family) in the morning; U of I Black Alumni All-Class Reunion Kickoff in the afternoon (the last one was in 2008); and a scrapbook gathering Saturday evening with my scrapbooking group (haven't seen them since last July).  I have a busy day tomorrow...

So I have a confession to make.  I kinda fell off the wagon.  Meaning that less than 24 hours after my great inspirational post about turning lemons into lemonade, I found myself engaged in a conversation about the past, which inevitably turned into a discussion of things I prefer not to think about (things lost) and before I knew it, I was having a pity party for myself.  Complete with some tears.  Had to snap out of it real quick!  Still trying actually, it makes me both sad and angry to know that the things I worked so hard for are just gone and there's nothing I can do about it... Just keeping it real here.  I feel kinda like this:

The truth is, I know deep inside that as great as some of the things were that I have lost, and the what-feels-like-forever process of rebuilding (again), I believe that what's ahead is going to be better than anything I've ever had.  How do I know?  Well, for one because I believe His Word and I stand on the promises contained in it.  In this case, the specific verse I'm referring to is Romans 8:18:  For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. And also, Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good for them that love God to them that are called according to his purpose.  And second, because I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me.  You know that's an old time song; I grew up COGIC, so I know a lot of old time songs.  Sometimes you have to reach back to those old songs for comfort.  My grandmother always played those old time songs at night, so I would go to sleep hearing them.  All through my life, whenever I have felt down or uncertain about what was ahead, I have always come back to that song.  There are several versions, believe it or not Min. Tim White, who was a guest at church just last Sunday, sang the Rev. James Cleveland version that had me in tears, but my absolute favorite is by Mary Mary.  You can listen to it here.

The pertinent lyrics:  

"I don't feel noways tired (Rev. Cleveland)/I just can't give up now (Mary Mary)

I've come too far from where I started from,

Nobody told me that the road would be easy,

And I don't believe He's brought me this far, to leave me."  

And that's the truth - I really don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me.  All that to say that I'm still a work in progress and I'm still figuring all of this out too.  It's an everyday process, one step at a time.  Right now I'm feeling uncomfortable with some things and I know it's time to prepare for a change.  And the biggest part of the change will depend on me, preparing and being ready when it comes.  So that is my task, to be ready.

All of this has been on my mind, along with Pastor Singleton's last two Sunday sermons: Recognizing New Things (1/3/2016) and The God of the Second Chance (1/10/2016). Both of those sermons spoke to me personally and I'd like to share some highlights with you.  

In "Recognizing New Things," the messages that resonated with me were:  

1) you must put the past behind you because if you are locked into the past, you can't recognize the new; 

2) while we naively approach the future optimistically, we should hope for the best but be prepared for the worse; 

3) Isaiah 43:2 (NIV):  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze; and

4) when God tells you something He's going to do in your life, it doesn't mean that it will be easy, just that He will be with you and see it to fruition.

The bottom line?  We have to put and keep our faith and trust in the Living God! (For reference, the scripture text for the sermon was Isaiah 43:18-21).

In "The God of the Second Chance," the messages that resonated with me were:

1) sometimes the answer is not going back, but going forward no matter how hard forward looks;

2) fear does not impact God's ability, but has to do with the object of my (our) faith; just because we don't trust it, that doesn't affect its trustworthiness;

3) sometimes we miss our blessings because we don't trust God; but thankfully He's the God of second chances!;

4) His grace and purpose for your life is why you're still here and been given multiple chances;

5) the keys to success are to trust and obey:  it's hard to trust anyone you don't have a relationship with; part of Christian growth is to be put into situations you can't get out of except by trusting God; you won't obey God if you don't know His Word; and

6) to be successful, you must have a strategy:  spiritual (trust and obey) and natural (real plans) - they must come together.

For reference, the -scripture text was Joshua 1:1-9, and it was the story of how God gave the descendants of the Israelites a second chance to go to the promised land (their ancestors had messed up by allowing fear to guide them).  

And where does all of this lead us?  Right back to trust again.  I didn't know I would keep coming back to that this week, but here we are.  Know that everything I post is for me, my reminders about what is really going on, and if I happen to touch someone else along the way, then I am thankful to have been that vessel.  Listen, sometimes I have things on my heart to say to you guys, and I have no idea how I'm going to do that.  And almost always, when I go to church on Sunday, there is something in the sermon that provides confirmation to what was placed on my heart to say.  Sometimes that's a little scary - this is a totally new experience for me, and I truly am not sure where He's taking me with all of this...

I want to encourage you to get yourself in a teaching ministry; I grew up in church and have spent many, many, MANY days and nights in church throughout my life.  (Told y'all I grew up COGIC...).  However, it wasn't until I grew up and began seeking understanding for myself about how to apply this stuff to real life, my life, that I had the courage to strike out beyond my childhood church.  I have been blessed to have been under three great teaching ministries in my adulthood and it has made all the difference in how I hear, see, and apply scripture to my everyday life.  So that's my soapbox for today; if you are in the Chicago area/South Suburbs, I encourage you to check out my church, Victory Apostolic; it is truly a teaching church and great things are happening there.

That being said, I ask for your prayers that I can recognize whatever new things He has for me and that I'm ready for them when they come.  I wish all of you a great weekend, I will be tired.com when mine is over!  Sidenote:  I have been easing back into some creative work, I officially started my December Daily album last week (I got up to Day 7 completed), and I can truly say that it has been fun to relive those little moments (in words and pictures) that can so easily be forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  I will definitely be doing it again this year.  I will share, who knows, you may want to document your own Decembers this year!

So for real, am I the only one who is constantly falling off the trust wagon and having to have a do-over???  Holla @ Darvi, I really don't want to be the only one... Be blessed, framily!

xoxoxo

When life gives you lemons... (Trust Part II)

Happy Wednesday, Blogland! (yes, I know that it's officially Thursday, but since I haven't gone to bed yet, it's still Wednesday to me - I know I'm not the only one...)!

I hope that the week has been kind to you all so far; here in Chicago it has been super cold since Sunday!  Not so cold that school was closed, but cold enough.  Tomorrow it is supposed to warm up, so I'm glad about that. 

Why did I choose that as the title of this post?  I'm glad you asked...

Today started off as a very trying day - overslept (was apparently exhausted last night), rushing the Teen and the Tween out the door, got the Tween to school and she had no hat or gloves (in 2 degree weather), had to search through the car for my spare pair of gloves, then I was rushing to make the train, wedged my car into a tiny space (the plowing situation has apparently given people license to take up more real estate than they are normally allowed between the little yellow lines), ran halfway 'cross the lot to catch the train that was coming in 3 minutes when I realized that I didn't have my purse with me... No purse meant no driver's license, no wallet, no train ticket!  I sighed, promptly turned around and made my way back to my car where I shimmied back into the car (don't even ask, I'm just glad there was no one with a camera around) and drove back home.  Oh yeah, forgot that my boot broke too and I was going to have to change them also.  So needless to say, I was super irritated with the Tween and with myself for forgetting my purse because I was now going to be late!

On the way to the house, I decided that I would just drive downtown because I would be really late if I waited for the next train, and the parking situation wasn't going to get better... So when I got home, I took off the broken boots, walked up the stairs to grab my purse and make myself a cup of coffee for the road.  My cup of coffee was the lemonade for my lemons, or so I thought (I rationalized that the cost of parking was half of what I was planning to spend at Dunkin Donuts, so it made perfect sense to me).

As I walked up the stairs past the front door, I saw that the front door was totally unlocked (thanks to the Teen who leaves out before us; normally I catch it when we leave but today the Tween and I went out downstairs through the garage...). I quickly locked the door, shook my head and continued to the kitchen to make my coffee.  My "trying" morning that led to me returning home was actually a blessing; it allowed me to lock the house up! (The real lemonade of the day) I don't even want to think of what could have happened otherwise - thank God I had to return home today!

Oftentimes we are irritated by life's inconveniences, stressors, tests and trials.  I am raising my hand, because I am a person who hates to be inconvenienced and these days it doesn't take long for stress to overtake me and those things can, if I'm not careful, put a damper on my entire day!  But what if we looked at those negatives in a different light?  What if we looked at them with the perspective that sometimes things that appear negative on their face are really blessings/protection in disguise?  I'm sure you've seen the emails/Facebook posts about the grumbling saint who was late for work because of car trouble and several other mishaps during his day.  During his prayer time, he grumbled to God about why He allowed all of those bad things to happen.  In response, God told him that he let him sleep longer because the death angel had come for him and his protector angel fought for him; he had car trouble because there was accident and he would have been in the middle of it; and the day went on.  Sheepishly, instead of complaining, all the man could do is say "thank you."  (I'm trying to locate it now because I'm sure I didn't do it justice here, but you get the idea).  Found it!  It's called, "Conversation with God," and here's the link if you want to read it yourself.

I repeat my grandmother all the time, "we can only see to the corner, but God can see around it."  What does that mean?  That means that although we don't know what lies ahead, He does.  And sometimes life's inconveniences are sent our way to keep us out of harm's way.  

Scripture tells us that God is our protector; He has our back!  Don't believe me?  Look here:

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 54:17   no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”

Psalm 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 91:1-3   He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

Psalm 121:7-8   The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. 8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

2Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Sometimes we have to learn to thank God for what He didn't give us:  that job you just had to have and were disappointed that you didn't get, only to learn that the whole department got laid off 6 months later - Thank you God!  That event you were dying to go to and you just couldn't get the timing together, only to learn that something bad happened there and you were the only person not involved - Thank you God! Everyone can come up tons of examples, but you get the picture.  I told you all a few months ago about how I lost some "friends" and it was a hard situation to deal with at the time and I kinda missed my phone ringing.  But you know what?  When I look back on what those conversations sometimes consisted of (nothing positive, complaining and folks always looking for an "amen corner" to their self-righteous mess), I thank God that they don't call me any more - I don't have time for that mess, and there is the added benefit that now my name can't be put in the middle of mess because I am not on the call list...!

What am I saying - that you should never get irritated when negative things come your way? Absolutely not, because that would make me the QUEEN of the hypocrites!  But what I am saying is that after your blood pressure has gotten you up to 29 (some of y'all are gonna miss that one), just stop and say, "Lord, I don't know why this happened, but I thank you for protecting me from things seen and unseen today."  We have no idea of the many obstacles that come in our path but are blocked by the angels that God has protecting each and every one of us.  Reminds me of a song, "God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr, you can listen to it here. 
Found a picture that sums it all up:

Scripture says that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  Ephesians 6:12  I thank God for the angels that protect me and mine daily; I don't know, nor do I want to know, all of the things that did not happen!  Yeah, I may have gotten hit with a few pebbles, but... 

This is truly not what I intended to write about today, but talking about my morning allowed for our conversation to go in this direction. But, I still get to bring it back to my intended topic for the day- Trust.  Yep.  We have to learn to trust God no matter what is going on in our world.  I thought I wouldn't be able to work in a nugget from Pastor Singleton's sermon (1/3/2016), but here we go:

- He promised to be with us, no matter what the future holds; God's got "this" even when you don't know what "this" is yet!

I'm just going to let that sit right there... 

So my Darvism for the day?  We have to learn to trust His plan, even when it looks like bad things are happening to us from our limited perspective and know that He has our back, no matter what.  And make lemonade with those lemons!

Anyone else ever have a morning like mine?  You know the drill, Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!  Be blessed and stay warm!

xoxoxo