Faint Not

Hello, Blogland Framily!!! As you can see, I took the summer off.  Unintentionally at first, but then it became very intentional as I realized that I needed to recharge my batteries.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say; there has been so much happiness, sadness, pride and defeat this summer, both in my personal world and the world at large.  

There was sadness, anger and outrage and more and more unarmed African-Americans were gunned down, both by police and cruel, heartless thugs who clearly don't aim well. There was more sadness as I witnessed the horrifying shootings of police officers in Dallas and Louisiana.  There was pride as I watched so much #blackgirlmagic at the Olympics, yet defeat when I saw how the public was more concerned about Gabby's hair than celebrating her accomplishments.  More defeat as the closeted, unspoken racism in America is now front and center, with the upcoming Presidential Election at the forefront.  And that's just a snippet of the things that happened in the world at large - there were many more happy and sad moments that occurred over the summer.  

It was the same in my personal world.  July 31st marked year 3 since my professional world was turned upside down.  It is very close to the one-year anniversary of my personal world being shaken, not stirred.  The same for my friendship garden - it looked very different than it did just one year ago (for awhile it looked like rabbits had eaten everything, much like they're doing to the grass in my yard right now). Just a year ago found me on the edge of a precipice with a wall at my back... But God.

You see, there has been enough happening to make one want to holler, in the words of Marvin Gaye.  Enough to make even the strongest person want to sit a spell and catch their breath.  And make no mistake, I've been tired, weary if you will.  And I've had to take some much needed rest periods from lots of people and things over the past year so I could quiet myself and hear.  This summer was no exception.

This summer, I took my first vacation in 9 years.  And although I had trepidation about spending the money, I'm glad I did it - I needed it.  This summer I also made a life-altering decision concerning my career - I've decided to give it up.  Well, at least in its most common form.  I will still be doing some project work while I transition, but I am actively pursuing opportunities outside of the field of law.  I will also be pursuing something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl - teach.  So I will be going into the K-8 classroom as well to determine if I truly want to switch to education permanently.  A huge decision, but one that has lifted a huge burden from me (not to mention erased some stress...).

Speaking of, I'm not sure if it's the stress or hormones that have me on the edge of crying a lot of days here lately.  Case in point, Sunday after church, while having a conversation with my journey sister, when she looked me in my eyes and asked how I was, I just lost it!  I told her the truth - that I was tired and a bit overwhelmed (I had gotten some bad news on Friday that had greyed up my weekend a bit).  The good thing (and a thing I really like about my church) is that immediately she, Evangelist Carpenter, one of my sorority sisters and another friend, who were all nearby, noticed my distress and immediately came over to comfort me.  Then my pastor walked over, inquired and he prayed for me.  That made me feel much better and grateful to be in a ministry where the pastor is not above touching the people.  

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I had the occasion to be at the homegoing services of my line sister and found myself sitting next to a "seasoned" soror from my undergraduate chapter (1973) that I love dearly, and we were talking and just catching up before the services began as it's been some time since we've seen one another.  She started asking me about different aspects of my life, most of which are dramatically different from the last time we had spoken.  She was visibly shocked and I had to struggle to keep it together, and I explained to her simply that I was tired and needed a break.  Other things were forced breaks that almost broke me, but a break nonetheless.

Anyhoo, later on yesterday found me with my journey sister checking in again and catching up with one another.  Everything boiled down to the same sentiment - I'm tired.  Before we left to head over to church for service, she handed me a gift bag.  Inside was a lovely one-year devotional journal:

She said, although the year is almost over over, this is a way for you to stay connected and to be sure and have at least a few moments of quiet time with God.  I was very surprised, grateful and it's so pretty!  The embossing reads, "My strength and my song," and on the back is Psalm 59:16 in its entirety.  Very nice and apropos.  Right?

I'm sure by now you're wondering where I'm going with all of this long, drawn-out story, am I right?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

I had initially decided to wait and start the devotion tomorrow (Thursday, September 1st) since it was the beginning of a new month, but for some reason I grabbed it and put it in my bag today.  Then I started to leave it in the car when I got to the train, but at the last minute, I grabbed it.  Once I was settled on the train I turned to August 31st and guess what the title was?  "Do not grow weary."  Apparently I needed to read it TODAY.

The scripture for today - "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:19 ESV  The devotional reading begins to discuss the concept of sowing and reaping, basically that you reap what you sow.  For example, if you plant corn, you will reap corn.  You can confidently sow a row of spinach and not expect cauliflower to grow instead - you didn't sow cauliflower seeds.  The devotion goes on to note that the same principle applies to sowing seeds of goodness:  "If you sow seeds of goodness like forgiveness, gentleness, and honesty, you are guaranteed to reap the fruit of those seeds.  There is one trick - don't give up.  Don't plan to reap something that you just started sowing.  Maybe you will see fruit immediately from the good seeds you planted, but in most cases, it takes years.  Rest assured, you will eventually reap the seeds of goodness if you don't give up."  The last piece of the devotional was a short prayer:  "Lord, help me not grow weary in doing good.  Give me long term vision that doesn't get discouraged in short term losses."  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the point of this post.

When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to my physical body (although that clearly does get tired and certainly my 45-year old body that stays constantly in a state of revolution gets tired with no shortage of help from my blood pressure medicine, but I digress).  I'm referring to emotionally; exhausted from the effort of continually pouring into people and things and feeling like it is of no use.  And I'm tired, that's for certain.  The thing is, and what I've taken from this devotional reading, is that while it's natural to feel tired/weary when you aren't seeing results right away from your efforts, you should press on.  Applying that to my own life, it might appear to the naked eye that I have given up in some respects.  But, under the surface, know that each transition and life change has been prayed about and divinely directed.  Thing is, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion, and in some cases, one step forward, two steps back.  That feeling makes you want to chuck in the towel and just let go.  And that's precisely what the devotion was speaking to - not giving up your long term vision out of discouragement!  You SHALL reap a harvest of blessings!!!

So I encourage you today, whether it be a job search, furthering your education, opening a business - whatever it is, faint not!!!  And here's a song to feed your spirit as well, Ricky Dillard and New G, "If We Faint Not."  

How was your summer???? Holla @ Darvi and let me know! Be blessed, Blogland and enjoy your evening!!!  xoxoxoxo

Faint Not

Hello, Blogland Framily!!! As you can see, I took the summer off.  Unintentionally at first, but then it became very intentional as I realized that I needed to recharge my batteries.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say; there has been so much happiness, sadness, pride and defeat this summer, both in my personal world and the world at large.  

There was sadness, anger and outrage and more and more unarmed African-Americans were gunned down, both by police and cruel, heartless thugs who clearly don't aim well. There was more sadness as I witnessed the horrifying shootings of police officers in Dallas and Louisiana.  There was pride as I watched so much #blackgirlmagic at the Olympics, yet defeat when I saw how the public was more concerned about Gabby's hair than celebrating her accomplishments.  More defeat as the closeted, unspoken racism in America is now front and center, with the upcoming Presidential Election at the forefront.  And that's just a snippet of the things that happened in the world at large - there were many more happy and sad moments that occurred over the summer.  

It was the same in my personal world.  July 31st marked year 3 since my professional world was turned upside down.  It is very close to the one-year anniversary of my personal world being shaken, not stirred.  The same for my friendship garden - it looked very different than it did just one year ago (for awhile it looked like rabbits had eaten everything, much like they're doing to the grass in my yard right now). Just a year ago found me on the edge of a precipice with a wall at my back... But God.

You see, there has been enough happening to make one want to holler, in the words of Marvin Gaye.  Enough to make even the strongest person want to sit a spell and catch their breath.  And make no mistake, I've been tired, weary if you will.  And I've had to take some much needed rest periods from lots of people and things over the past year so I could quiet myself and hear.  This summer was no exception.

This summer, I took my first vacation in 9 years.  And although I had trepidation about spending the money, I'm glad I did it - I needed it.  This summer I also made a life-altering decision concerning my career - I've decided to give it up.  Well, at least in its most common form.  I will still be doing some project work while I transition, but I am actively pursuing opportunities outside of the field of law.  I will also be pursuing something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl - teach.  So I will be going into the K-8 classroom as well to determine if I truly want to switch to education permanently.  A huge decision, but one that has lifted a huge burden from me (not to mention erased some stress...).

Speaking of, I'm not sure if it's the stress or hormones that have me on the edge of crying a lot of days here lately.  Case in point, Sunday after church, while having a conversation with my journey sister, when she looked me in my eyes and asked how I was, I just lost it!  I told her the truth - that I was tired and a bit overwhelmed (I had gotten some bad news on Friday that had greyed up my weekend a bit).  The good thing (and a thing I really like about my church) is that immediately she, Evangelist Carpenter, one of my sorority sisters and another friend, who were all nearby, noticed my distress and immediately came over to comfort me.  Then my pastor walked over, inquired and he prayed for me.  That made me feel much better and grateful to be in a ministry where the pastor is not above touching the people.  

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I had the occasion to be at the homegoing services of my line sister and found myself sitting next to a "seasoned" soror from my undergraduate chapter (1973) that I love dearly, and we were talking and just catching up before the services began as it's been some time since we've seen one another.  She started asking me about different aspects of my life, most of which are dramatically different from the last time we had spoken.  She was visibly shocked and I had to struggle to keep it together, and I explained to her simply that I was tired and needed a break.  Other things were forced breaks that almost broke me, but a break nonetheless.

Anyhoo, later on yesterday found me with my journey sister checking in again and catching up with one another.  Everything boiled down to the same sentiment - I'm tired.  Before we left to head over to church for service, she handed me a gift bag.  Inside was a lovely one-year devotional journal:

She said, although the year is almost over over, this is a way for you to stay connected and to be sure and have at least a few moments of quiet time with God.  I was very surprised,d grateful and it's so pretty!  The embossing reads, "My strength and my song," and on the back is Psalm 59:16 in its entirety.  Very nice and apropos.  Right?

I'm sure by now you're wondering where I'm going with all of this long, drawn-out story, am I right?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

I had initially decided to wait and start the devotion tomorrow (Thursday, September 1st) since it was the beginning of a new month, but for some reason I grabbed it and put it in my bag today.  Then I started to leave it in the car when I got to the train, but at the last minute, I grabbed it.  Once I was settled on the train I turned to August 31st and guess what the title was?  "Do not grow weary."  Apparently I needed to read it TODAY.

The scripture for today - "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:19 ESV  The devotional reading begins to discuss the concept of sowing and reaping, basically that you reap what you sow.  For example, if you plant corn, you will reap corn.  You can confidently sow a row of spinach and not expect cauliflower to grow instead - you didn't sow cauliflower seeds.  The devotion goes on to note that the same principle applies to sowing seeds of goodness:  "If you sow seeds of goodness like forgiveness, gentleness, and honesty, you are guaranteed to reap the fruit of those seeds.  There is one trick - don't give up.  Don't plan to reap something that you just started sowing.  Maybe you will see fruit immediately from the good seeds you planted, but in most cases, it takes years.  Rest assured, you will eventually reap the seeds of goodness if you don't give up."  The last piece of the devotional was a short prayer:  "Lord, help me not grow weary in doing good.  Give me long term vision that doesn't get discouraged in short term losses."  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the point of this post.

When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to my physical body (although that clearly does get tired and certainly my 45-year old body that stays constantly in a state of revolution gets tired with no shortage of help from my blood pressure medicine, but I digress).  I'm referring to emotionally; exhausted from the effort of continually pouring into people and things and feeling like it is of no use.  And I'm tired, that's for certain.  The thing is, and what I've taken from this devotional reading, is that while it's natural to feel tired/weary when you aren't seeing results right away from your efforts, you should press on.  Applying that to my own life, it might appear to the naked eye that I have given up in some respects.  But, under the surface, know that each transition and life change has been prayed about and divinely directed.  Thing is, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion, and in some cases, one step forward, two steps back.  That feeling makes you want to chuck in the towel and just let go.  And that's precisely what the devotion was speaking to - not giving up your long term vision out of discouragement!  You SHALL reap a harvest of blessings!!!

So I encourage you today, whether it be a job search, furthering your education, opening a business - whatever it is, faint not!!!  And here's a song to feed your spirit as well, Ricky Dillard and New G, "If We Faint Not."  

How was your summer???? Holla @ Darvi and let me know! Be blessed, Blogland and enjoy your evening!!!  xoxoxoxo

Reflections on 2015...

Hello Blogland! I hope that everyone had a great Christmas!!! I did not get back to posting before the holiday; it got completely too busy! I had the family over for Christmas Eve and it was just great to spend time with everyone.  The kids and I had a quiet Christmas morning and when we were finally ready to head out, my car wouldn't start!  So our plans had to change... Spent Saturday at Pep Boys- - 6 hours and $221 hours later...So yeah, it was an eventful weekend!

I did have the stress test done on last Wednesday, everything appears to be fine (thank God!) and I had blood work done as well to try and determine the source of these blood pressure surges.  Thankfully I experienced no problems over the holiday weekend and was able to enjoy the holidays.  Hopefully all continues to be well on the health front.

So it's the time of year where I (along with most other people) start to reflect on the closing year and looking forward to the coming year.  This year, since I have this medium, I will share some of my reflections on 2015 with you. 

Generally, each year I put together a list of "intentions" (I gave up resolutions many moons ago because I never, ever kept them); my intentions then evolved into a super convoluted exercise called "Plan 180 - 20__," which was actually great for my OCD mind.  (More on that in a separate post).  It is always a written plan; if I'm really feeling good, I'll even type it.  And sometimes, sometimes I actually comment and track on it during the year just to see how I'm doing.  I didn't journal much this year, but I can still reflect and comment on my year 2015...

A year ago found me in a peculiar place:  stressed to the hilt about finances, overtaxed in "busyness," trying to maintain a relationship that was going downhill fast, hanging onto some friendships that were probably better left alone, and really off my square spiritually. I was a MESS!  I had joined my church, but even living only 5-7 minutes away, I was still only half attending and not at all involved.  And I believe that my life reflected my lack of spiritual connectedness...

One thing that I do each year (have done since 2006 or 2007) is to choose a Word of the Year (you may be familiar with it also as "One Little Word;" more on that in another post), and this year I chose the word "Be."  I wrestled with "joy," "peace," "faith," but at the end of the day, I chose "Be."  Meaning that throughout 2015, whatever came my way, I would "be" in the moment and experience it in real time. 

Another thing I decided to do (in addition to my usual weight loss goals, professional goals, and the like was to set some concrete spiritual life goals.  Now, I do set some spiritual goals every year from the apparently next to impossible (I'm going to read the whole Bible this year) to the lazy that I should be able to handle with no problem (I'm going to make it to church every Sunday unless sick or out of town), but this year was different.  This year, my goal was to recommit myself back to my faith. 

When I decided to start this journey, I had no idea how it was going to be accomplished or manifested, nor did I know what I was going to have to give up to do it!  But here, today on December 29, 2015, I can say that it has truly been a journey, and though I would have liked less thorns along the way, I believe I am a better person for starting this journey and seeing it through.  So what all did I do this year?  I'm glad you asked!

So the first thing I did was to seriously check myself on my lackluster church attendance!  I mean, one of the main reasons I changed churches was to be closer so that I could attend, but I still wasn't doing it!  I had to go back to my grandmother's rule:  If you can do what you want to do all week long, SURELY you can get up and take yourself to God's house on Sunday...!  I will need to check my notebook to see how well I did in reality, but it was with intention this year that I was determined to make every Sunday that I could.  And you know what?  Each and every time that I went, without fail, the sermon blessed and spoke to me. 

The second thing I did was to work on my lackluster prayer life... which still needs a LOT of work, but it is so much more than it was a year ago!  I have a dedicated prayer journal area in my FAITH notebook, and I do keep my specific prayers and answered prayers there.  I can definitely look back at it and see where God has answered prayers for me, my family, and friends. 

Next, I decided it was time to get more involved in church and meet some people.  This was easier said than done, I am an introvert and am not one to just start talking to people!  I had my one sister friend/soror at church (Pam) and some other sorors I'd see here and there and that was it.  I took my time with this one, because I didn't want to just add more busyness to my world but wanted all of my actions to be meaningful.  That being said, as you already know, in the summer of 2015 I took the One-on-One Discipleship class (10 weeks from July- September) and I truly enjoyed it!  I grew spiritually, and I met some great people.  Due to a personal matter, I had the opportunity to meet with Pastor Brenda Varnado, one of our spiritual care pastors, in early September, and that meeting has changed my life.  She took me and my children under her wing, and personally saw to it that I met some people!  We got the Tween connected to the dance ministry and the young adult choir, and I just met some outstanding people in general.  In addition, Pastor Varnado was a crucial part of me making it through a very difficult time in my personal life in 2015.  For that, I am forever grateful.  The next thing I did was to join the "Journey Sisters" ministry- it is an accountability partner ministry where you share one or more goals with your journey sister (and vice-versa) and they take the journey with you in 2016 and hold you accountable to reaching your goals.  It's like having your own personal cheerleader and drill sergeant in one!  And my journey sister?  Of all people, I am hooked up with Evangelist Darice Whitted, who is head of the Women's Ministry at Victory.  (See what I mean about that prayer thing?  What are the odds?).  I love her to life and I am super excited about our journey!  But anyway, through this ministry, I've met some outstanding women and I am proud to know them!  I also joined the Outreach Ministry (VOICE) and I LOVE IT!  Again, this expanded my network at the church as well.  Last but not least, I decided to start Discipleship University, a 4-year program offered at Victory.  My classes for Discipleship I begin on January 11, 2016, so stay tuned...

Looking back, I can truly say that it is in this area that I grew the most in 2015.  And by staying committed to my goal, I was able to hear God, and that has been more priceless to me than anything else!  Oh sure, having answered prayers is magnificent (and he showed up and showed out on that too), but being able to hear?  Nothing like it! 

In hearing God this year, I had to give up some things that were near and dear to my heart because they were distracting me from my commitment.  I have alluded to this several times in my postings this year, but now I'm ready to state them.  It was almost a tug of war situation; I really didn't want to let go, but God promised me so much more if I did.  Finally, He made me so uncomfortable that I had no choice but to let go of it all and then he opened the floodgates of blessings and positivity into my life and allowed me to experience the greatest of his gifts:  Hope, Joy and Peace.  What are those things that I had to give up?  Here they are, in no particular order:  my sorority (I was the chapter president at the time); my relationship with Urban Dude; and some "friends."  Yikes, right?  But what have I gained?  Time.  Time to, honestly, just "Be."  See how my word has come full circle???  Do I miss those things?  Sometimes, yes, but I am determined not to move until He tells me to, and in order to do that, I must be able to hear, and I must stay committed... you get the picture. 

So what does my life look like at the end of 2015?  Much, much quieter!  Not necessarily less busy, but I find that I can choose better which activities to spend my time on, and it's not so much work.  Also, I have been able to cultivate and renew friendships with some amazing women this year that I would not have had time for otherwise... 

As we bring 2015 to a close, I keep getting news of tragedies in my friends' and family's lives, and I am thankful to be here and for all that me and my family were blessed with this year (especially the second half of the year).  In the past 2 days, I have gotten hit with news of 3 deaths and none of them were elderly.  So my heart is heavy with grieving for my friends and family on their losses during this time.  That being said, I am even more thankful for all that has transpired in 2015, the good, the bad and even the ugly! 

And now I turn the microphone to you - how did 2015 treat you????  Holla @ Darvi,  and let's talk about it!  Be Blessed!!!

xoxoxo