There was sadness, anger and outrage and more and more unarmed African-Americans were gunned down, both by police and cruel, heartless thugs who clearly don't aim well. There was more sadness as I witnessed the horrifying shootings of police officers in Dallas and Louisiana. There was pride as I watched so much #blackgirlmagic at the Olympics, yet defeat when I saw how the public was more concerned about Gabby's hair than celebrating her accomplishments. More defeat as the closeted, unspoken racism in America is now front and center, with the upcoming Presidential Election at the forefront. And that's just a snippet of the things that happened in the world at large - there were many more happy and sad moments that occurred over the summer.
It was the same in my personal world. July 31st marked year 3 since my professional world was turned upside down. It is very close to the one-year anniversary of my personal world being shaken, not stirred. The same for my friendship garden - it looked very different than it did just one year ago (for awhile it looked like rabbits had eaten everything, much like they're doing to the grass in my yard right now). Just a year ago found me on the edge of a precipice with a wall at my back... But God.
You see, there has been enough happening to make one want to holler, in the words of Marvin Gaye. Enough to make even the strongest person want to sit a spell and catch their breath. And make no mistake, I've been tired, weary if you will. And I've had to take some much needed rest periods from lots of people and things over the past year so I could quiet myself and hear. This summer was no exception.
This summer, I took my first vacation in 9 years. And although I had trepidation about spending the money, I'm glad I did it - I needed it. This summer I also made a life-altering decision concerning my career - I've decided to give it up. Well, at least in its most common form. I will still be doing some project work while I transition, but I am actively pursuing opportunities outside of the field of law. I will also be pursuing something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl - teach. So I will be going into the K-8 classroom as well to determine if I truly want to switch to education permanently. A huge decision, but one that has lifted a huge burden from me (not to mention erased some stress...).
Speaking of, I'm not sure if it's the stress or hormones that have me on the edge of crying a lot of days here lately. Case in point, Sunday after church, while having a conversation with my journey sister, when she looked me in my eyes and asked how I was, I just lost it! I told her the truth - that I was tired and a bit overwhelmed (I had gotten some bad news on Friday that had greyed up my weekend a bit). The good thing (and a thing I really like about my church) is that immediately she, Evangelist Carpenter, one of my sorority sisters and another friend, who were all nearby, noticed my distress and immediately came over to comfort me. Then my pastor walked over, inquired and he prayed for me. That made me feel much better and grateful to be in a ministry where the pastor is not above touching the people.
Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I had the occasion to be at the homegoing services of my line sister and found myself sitting next to a "seasoned" soror from my undergraduate chapter (1973) that I love dearly, and we were talking and just catching up before the services began as it's been some time since we've seen one another. She started asking me about different aspects of my life, most of which are dramatically different from the last time we had spoken. She was visibly shocked and I had to struggle to keep it together, and I explained to her simply that I was tired and needed a break. Other things were forced breaks that almost broke me, but a break nonetheless.
Anyhoo, later on yesterday found me with my journey sister checking in again and catching up with one another. Everything boiled down to the same sentiment - I'm tired. Before we left to head over to church for service, she handed me a gift bag. Inside was a lovely one-year devotional journal:
She said, although the year is almost over over, this is a way for you to stay connected and to be sure and have at least a few moments of quiet time with God. I was very surprised, grateful and it's so pretty! The embossing reads, "My strength and my song," and on the back is Psalm 59:16 in its entirety. Very nice and apropos. Right?
I'm sure by now you're wondering where I'm going with all of this long, drawn-out story, am I right? Well, I'm glad you asked!
I had initially decided to wait and start the devotion tomorrow (Thursday, September 1st) since it was the beginning of a new month, but for some reason I grabbed it and put it in my bag today. Then I started to leave it in the car when I got to the train, but at the last minute, I grabbed it. Once I was settled on the train I turned to August 31st and guess what the title was? "Do not grow weary." Apparently I needed to read it TODAY.
The scripture for today - "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:19 ESV The devotional reading begins to discuss the concept of sowing and reaping, basically that you reap what you sow. For example, if you plant corn, you will reap corn. You can confidently sow a row of spinach and not expect cauliflower to grow instead - you didn't sow cauliflower seeds. The devotion goes on to note that the same principle applies to sowing seeds of goodness: "If you sow seeds of goodness like forgiveness, gentleness, and honesty, you are guaranteed to reap the fruit of those seeds. There is one trick - don't give up. Don't plan to reap something that you just started sowing. Maybe you will see fruit immediately from the good seeds you planted, but in most cases, it takes years. Rest assured, you will eventually reap the seeds of goodness if you don't give up." The last piece of the devotional was a short prayer: "Lord, help me not grow weary in doing good. Give me long term vision that doesn't get discouraged in short term losses." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the point of this post.
When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to my physical body (although that clearly does get tired and certainly my 45-year old body that stays constantly in a state of revolution gets tired with no shortage of help from my blood pressure medicine, but I digress). I'm referring to emotionally; exhausted from the effort of continually pouring into people and things and feeling like it is of no use. And I'm tired, that's for certain. The thing is, and what I've taken from this devotional reading, is that while it's natural to feel tired/weary when you aren't seeing results right away from your efforts, you should press on. Applying that to my own life, it might appear to the naked eye that I have given up in some respects. But, under the surface, know that each transition and life change has been prayed about and divinely directed. Thing is, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion, and in some cases, one step forward, two steps back. That feeling makes you want to chuck in the towel and just let go. And that's precisely what the devotion was speaking to - not giving up your long term vision out of discouragement! You SHALL reap a harvest of blessings!!!
So I encourage you today, whether it be a job search, furthering your education, opening a business - whatever it is, faint not!!! And here's a song to feed your spirit as well, Ricky Dillard and New G, "If We Faint Not."
How was your summer???? Holla @ Darvi and let me know! Be blessed, Blogland and enjoy your evening!!! xoxoxoxo
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