Adjusting to Suddenly...

Greetings, Blogland!  I will apologize for not being more consistent this year, but if I can just be my usual transparent self for a minute… For one thing, there’s been so much going on that both makes me happy and that has broken my heart (personally as well as in our turbulent world) and I do have a partially written post about all of that.  But seriously? For real, for real?  I’ve been hurt and angry, and busy and bitter.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what you were expecting to read, huh?  But, it’s the truth.  Before I go further, let me say this - to my readers who actually know me in real life, I hope that you can read without judging; this is me talking about where I am, not disparaging anyone else.  K?  Great, let's keep going.

You see, the days after my last post marked a year since life as I knew it changed (I want to be dramatic and say "forever," but of course I don't know that. I only know what it felt like at that time, but I digress - as usual), and I fell into a severe funk.  The move, the feelings, the uncertainty, the abandonment, the memories, the feelings, the tears - they all came back. And not in a just for a moment and you move on kind of way.  No, it was like I was reliving it all over again and let me tell you, it has been awful!  What's worse is that it's not something you can just share with anyone, because people feel like after a year you should be well-adjusted and "ok." But who determines what is "ok" and how long it takes you to get there????

Approximately a week after my last post, my cousin died - suddenly.  There was no lengthy illness, no prognosis and no warning.  One minute he was here and then, suddenly, he wasn't.  And we've struggled with it.  I'm sure no one has struggled more than his wife and daughter, but it impacted us all.  I can honestly say that the full weight of it didn't hit me until the funeral last Friday. I have an aversion to funerals, ever since my grandmother died, I can't fully explain it, but I'll try.  When it's a member of my family, there is a terror that grips me the moment I pull up to the church.  As I get closer to the church, I start breathing hard. Before I walk in, I have to take a deep breath and talk myself into actually going in.  Pause again in the foyer, take another deep breath before walking inside.  To get to the front where the rest of my family was assembled, I had to walk down a long aisle and the whole time, there was a conversation going on in my head, where I willed myself to keep walking and to not duck out before anyone saw me (I purposely skipped the wake and the group family walk in thing).  I stopped short of going all the way to the front; I settled on the third row back. Too late, my cousin saw me and had me move up, closer to the fold.  So I did, ended up sitting behind my mother and aunt, who were on the first row.  

My cousin was a military man (USMC) and a policeman. The photo above is the keepsake that was given to his wife at the repast by the Village he served for 21 years. Flanking the (beautiful) casket were two photos that had been blown up to poster size; his boot camp photo from 1977 and his police officer photo.  I tried to concentrate on the singing, the words being spoken, but I ended up just looking at the ceiling and trying not to have a full scale panic attack.  I did alright for awhile, then it was just too much and I needed an escape to collect myself. I went out and found one of my first cousins in the foyer, unable to walk back in.  Eventually we did, arms linked and leaning on one another.  What had us so messed up?  I'll tell you. It was looking around at our little family cluster and knowing that it wouldn't be long before we'd be back again and that it never gets any easier.  

Anyway, the minister who gave the eulogy being apprised of the circumstances surrounding my cousin's life and sudden death, aptly titled his sermon "How do we adjust to suddenly?" That caught my attention, and as he spoke, the wheels started turning in my head and I took my phone out and started making notes (that's been happening a lot lately, probably seriously weirded my cousin out), I figured I could use them for something later (and here we are).  This is what he said in reference to my cousin:  don't allow grief to be the representation of his life; don't allow grief to tarnish who he was or take it into our future. Instead, he told us to stand on his legacy and memories.  He really had my attention now. He used Romans 8:18 to encourage us to look towards the future:  "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (NIV). He further encouraged us to always thank God, even when we don't understand the "suddenly."  Psalm 34:1 says:  "I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will always be on my lips" (NIV). Then he said perhaps the most profound thing of all, the thing that has had me thinking for the past five days - he said, "don't let a moment convince you that there's no God."  

Whoa.  That was deep, right?  I mean, nobody really does that, do they? I don't do that, do I????  That's what has been on my mind and I've come to the conclusion that yeah, maybe I have.  Just a wee bit.  Not in a my whole worldview has been shattered and the foundation of my faith is shattered kind of way, naw, not like that.  But, if I'm being honest (and that's what we do, right?), I have to admit that at certain moments, the "suddenlys," if you will, I may have had the question of whether He saw me.  Whether, in this huge world with all that's going on, He actually had time to see and hear me too.  

Am I the only one??? I'm talking about the times when a suddenly or two comes up on you and you don't have time to catch your breath and you're in a corner with your back against the wall and you have a constant stream of tears rolling down your face and you are full of fear and panic, and you can barely even get the words to a prayer out in between your sobs - those kind of suddenlys. Because you see, framily, those are the kinds of suddenlys I've had.  The kind of suddenlys that make you cry yourself to sleep, then wake up with a fresh set of tears that have you in sunglasses and reapplying your eye makeup in the office bathroom, only to cry it back off throughout the day.  Job loss?  Suddenly.  Relationship loss?  Suddenly.  Friendship loss?  Suddenly.  Pulling the last few dollars from your savings account and you have no further resources?  Suddenly.  The loss of a loved one? Suddenly. When you really and truly don't know what to do, it could be very easy to fall in the mindset that there is no God or that He has forgotten about you.    

And you know what?  That is just what the enemy wants you to believe, that you don't matter, that you are not important and that He doesn't have time to worry about little old you. Don't believe it!  The word says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV). Maybe you weren't destined to be a prophet like Jeremiah, but the point is that, He knew us all befor we were born, and He has a plan for us, even in the midst of suddenly.  "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  Luke 12:7 (NIV).  If you're like me, you've probably heard that verse many times, but maybe you never understood the full weight of what it actually means.  It means that He cares about you so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head, and that you are worth to him than whole groups of His other creations (paraphrasing of course)!  It means that, like the Israel and New Breed song, you are NOT forgotten, God knows your name!  Great spot for a song, don'tcha think?  Go check out the song, you know you wanna!   

What a great song, right?  It always makes me happy!  And it reminds me.  Even in the bad times.  Because here's the flip side, just as a "suddenly" can change things for worse, a suddenly can also change things for good.  Don't believe me?  Let's look at 2 Chronicles 29:36:  "And Hezekiah rejoiced, and all the people, that God had prepared the people: for the thing was done suddenly." (KJV); "Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced at what God had brought about for his people, because it was done so quickly" (NIV).  Or how about in Matthew 15 where the Canaanite woman approached Jesus for help because her daughter was demon possessed; and Jesus replied that it was not right to tkae the children's bread and toss it to the dogs. Her response was that even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.  And in verse 28, Jesus answered:  "Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed at that moment (NIV) or "suddenly" if you're reading KJV.  

All well and good, right?  How does this apply in your real life?  Heck, in my real life? I'm glad you asked!  What it means is that we shoudn't lose hope in the face of tragedies that suddenly occur, whether in our own personal lives or in the world.  God is still God despite the bad.  Instead, we are to keep our praise always (in the words of one of my favorite Fred Hammond songs) - may as well drop it here, right?  Here you go:

And know that just as suddenly as tragedy happens, God can open the floodgates of heaven and bless you beyond what you could ever imagine!  From job loss and unemployment to multiple job offers! From relationship loss to a better relationship! From friendship loss to new friends that truly understand the true meaning of friendship! From the loss of a loved one to the birth of a new loved one (true story, my nephew was born a year to the day after my grandmother's death).  

But we still haven't answered the question, have we?  The question posed by the minister and inherent in the title of this post - How do we adjust to suddenly?  My answer can be summed up like this:  getting into God's word for direction and trust.  And here is my scriptural authority:

Psalm 119:105:  "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (NIV)

and

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight" (NIV) or "He will direct your path" for the KJV people.  

It's not easy, not by a long shot.  But, every day is a new day to try again.  And who knows? Today could just be the day that your "suddenly" comes!

Anybody else out there either adjusting to a suddenly or suddenly been blessed?  Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!!!  Be Blessed! xoxoxoxo

Farewell, Cousin Felton!  I'm glad God saw fit to have us be family.  Your legacy of serving and protecting will live on.  

Reflections on being 45…it has been the best of times and the worst of times!

Happy Tuesday, Blog Framily!  I hope you’ve had a wonderful three weeks!  I have been enjoying my birthday... The big 45.  I paused for a minute to let that sink in (I've been letting it sink in for the past 3 weeks...).

I am truly grateful to God for allowing me to have 45 years on this side and to experience all parts of life, the good, the bad, the ugly!!! Because, face it, it is all parts of life that have shaped me into the me of today (the good, the bad and the ugly…).  Here’s a recap:

I was born – May 25, 1971!  Not born under the ideal circumstances at the time, but I was born.  Here’s a baby picture, not newborn, we had a fire and my baby book was destroyed, but an infant photo just the same:  

And I was given the blessing of being raised by my maternal grandparents, who were to me, simply “Gramma and Gran-deddy” (you have to get that phonetic pronunciation going).

I attended an awesome preschool at Triedstone Full Gospel Church, where I learned to read very early and my love of reading was born (I was reading my mom’s books when I was in kindergarten)!  This is where I had my first graduation; I still remember us singing and performing “10 little Indian boys and girls” (I had forgotten that, it just came back to my remembrance today).  Here’s a picture of my graduation, it’s from 1976:

I attended Bates School (which no longer exists) where I had some awesome teachers that recognized my academic potential and jumped me after a week or two in first grade to second grade.  It was at Bates where I met some folks that would become eternal friends, where I developed my abhorrence for chocolate (milk, ice cream, pudding, frosting, egh!), where I was encouraged to just keep reading and writing, where my fear of worms and dogs was tested to new heights, where I had my first fight and my first crush.  It was also at Bates School where my 5^th grade teacher recommended that I (along with 3 other students) go to Kellogg School to be part of the options for knowledge program, a move that changed my life.

1981 found me being bussed to Kellogg and it was such an important part of my life journey!  I was in the options program in 6^th grade, and it was there I learned to research and really develop my writing.  It was a small school, only one class for each grade, and we were relatively close.  My graduating class had 32 people in it!  It was there I had access to physical science and biology classes, made lifetime friends, participated in “teach-ins” and plays, went to the opera, and was exposed to different things outside of my neighborhood, like a progressive dinner (which I SHALL recreate one day!).  I wish I had pictures, but we were busy living life, not photographing it!  I do have some pictures from my 8^th grade graduation; this is one with me with my mom back in 1984 after the graduation:

The next phase of my life was high school; from 1984-1988, I was an Honors Student at Morgan Park High School right on the south side of Chicago!  There I started my 4-year journey with a small group of students who were in the Honors Track with me and met some others along the way; again, lifetime friendships were formed.  It was there that I had experimental haircuts (asymmetrical bob, anyone?), survived neon and an obsessive fascination with pink during 1985, went on college tours, had sleepovers, played sports, went on dates (once I was old enough), learned how to drive, had my first heartbreak, had my first job (Brown’s Chicken on 116^th & Western), had many excursions to Evergreen Plaza, and enjoyed the heck out of my senior year, including prom.  Those were some of the best years of my life!!!  Here is my "official" senior year book picture:

After that was college; from 1988-1992 I was a student at the University of Illinois in Urbana –Champaign, where I attended on full scholarship.  It was there that I joined my sorority (Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc.), learned that I actually needed to STUDY to get good grades, traveled up and down I-57 more times that I can count, gained and lost the freshman 15, went on road trips, learned to truly live on my own, lost my grandfather (1992, 3 weeks before graduation), grew up and made lifelong friends.  My college graduation was one of the best days of my life, May 17, 1992 (I graduated just mere days before my 21^st birthday):  

Then that came my first forays into real adulthood (1992-2000):  I entered law school (I left law school; took a gap year then went back again), I got engaged and married (later separated and divorced), bought a house, became a mother (to the Teen), went back to school and graduated again, and met who would then become my second husband.  Here are my two graduation photos from John Marshall in 1997 and 2000, respectively:

Just before my 30^th birthday, I got married again and experienced a wonderful honeymoon in Italy.  I had my 30^th birthday twice, once in Rome and then again in Chicago when I got home where my grandmother had prepared all of my favorite foods!  Then just after my 30^th birthday, all hell broke loose.  I was pregnant at the time and ended up in the hospital having emergency surgery on June 19, 2001, when my (unknown) ectopic pregnancy burst my fallopian tube.  I almost died.  To say that was a life-changing event is truly the understatement of ever.  I was hurt and angry.  I had lost my baby and almost my life.  But on the brighter side, I was able to spend that whole summer with the teen before he started school in the fall and we had many adventures!

Fast forward (2002+): We had a house built in the suburbs, was pregnant again in 2003 (after a miscarriage in 2002), gave birth to the tween in 2004 and was generally ok in life… until it changed again!  I turned 35 in 2006 and was feeling rather blah with things.  So the next few years found me separated (again) and moving with my babies in 2009.  Life still went on; I went back to school again (2009), lost my grandma (2010), turned 40 (2011), began a relationship I thought would be my last (it clearly wasn’t), moved again and life was good.. until it wasn’t.  Here's my 2011 graduation picture from Governors State:

The rest of the story you already know:  lost my job in 2013, lost some friends and my relationship (2015), and lost my house (2015), but here I stand.  I gained an awesome church family (Victory Apostolic), began working on several ministries there, became a board member for Habitat for Humanity South Suburbs (2015), joined the Top Ladies (2016), reconnected with some wonderful people and developed some new friendships as well, and am slowly, but surely, righting my balance. 

And that brings us to today, just three weeks after my 45^th birthday, which I celebrated with 50-60 of my friends and family with a Kate Spade-inspired party!  Wasn’t I cute????  

When I look back over my life’s journey, like everyone else’s, it’s not a straight line, but a series of ups and downs as I experienced the best of times and sometimes the worst of times.  But I can truly say that I’ve been blessed and I indeed have a testimony.  I can also say that I’m content and have joy! No, things aren’t perfect where I stand right now, not by a long shot.  But I can see the hand of God at work in my life, from having me skip 1^st grade to living with my grandparents to sending me to U of I on a full scholarship, to passing the bar exam on the first try under truly egregious and mostly non-existent study conditions, to every unhappy ending and each new beginning – brand new mercies everyday!!! Looking back gives me even more hope for the future!  My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades!!!

Scripture says:  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path – Proverbs 3:5-6.  I don’t know about you, but I am learning more and more each day to trust God with EVERYTHING, even the things that seem small, and to listen to the urgings of the Holy Spirit in telling me what to do.  And you know what?  He will indeed direct your path!  It is a learning curve, for sure, but it gets easier and easier the more you do it.

 

I would like to take this time to thank my village – my family and friends – who have been there through all of it:  the good times, the bad times, the happy times, the sad times.  As one of my favorite songs by the Mississippi Mass Choir says:  "having you there made the difference."  So thank you.  I appreciate and love my village so much, even though I'm not always able to see or talk to them, I know they are there, rooting for me, praying for me. And it makes it all worth it.

I know that I have indeed been blessed in my 45 years; and I believe that God still has yet to do his greatest work through me.  Right now, I am going where He leads me and enjoying each step of the journey.  I hope that you will trust Him with your journey too!

Have a blessed week!  Oh and I'm still collecting birthday wishes, so Holla @ Darvi!!!

xoxoxo

Can you recognize the voice of God?

Happy Friday, blogland!  I hope everyone has had a great week. 

We will pause for a moment to remember 9-11... We should never forget.  I will never forget.  I'll always remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when the realization came that this was no ordinary plane crash into a building, but a series of planned attacks.  At the time, I was working in downtown Chicago in a government building, so we were on high alert and dismissed very soon after arrival (and left scrambling to find a way out of downtown and back to the safety of our own neighborhoods).  Even all these years later, it still seems surreal that something like THAT could happen HERE.  I know that sounded a bit like American Elitism, but that was the reaction that day.  It also happens every time a school is attacked by a gunman (although unfortunately, that is becoming more and more the norm) and the horrific shooting a few weeks ago on live television of the news anchor, cameraman and interviewee.  I pray daily that there will be a quick end to the violence and senseless killings in the world.  It zaps one's humanity just a little bit more each time it happens...

As for me and my world:  Packing is no joke (although I have been simultaneously purging things that are in good working order and can be donated to charity, so I'm happy about that part and plan on making my first drop today).  I really feel like I've gotten nothing done although there has been visible progress.   

You know what also isn't a joke?  Trying to realistically move from a 3000 square foot house into one that is approximately 1040 square feet - that is a herculean task!  Not impossible, but you do have to have an open mind and be creative.  I'm sure that will be a future post once I get moved and situated.

I didn't make it to church last Sunday and I've been feeling the effects all week (although I did finish my class on Tuesday night, it's just not the same as being there on Sunday); so I will make sure to be in the place on Sunday morning.  I don't plan on moving churches after the move; it will be a longer than 5 minute drive now, but still close enough for me to attend and be an active member.  That is what I'm looking forward to- becoming active in church again and being close enough for my kids to be active members too.  Our church has over 70 ministries, so there's plenty to do.  I'm hoping to find something that will be a good fit for me.

I'm still kinda in blah mode, trying to snap out of it.  I do appreciate the calls, texts and emails, I do.  I'm just going to need a little time to get myself together with this move and getting the kids situated and transferred, getting unpacked and in some semblance of order all while simultaneously looking for a job - that is quite a lot on my plate - ya know?  So as I ask continually, keep us in your prayers. 

I did look cute one day (even though I look tired):

Anyway, moving on to the subject of this post.  There were two things that have happened in the past week or so that really touched me and I know they were both truly messages from God. 

First, a friend of mine from college, who is also a member of my sorority, sent me an email earlier in the week.  What made it remarkable is that she isn't someone I talk to often (we live in different cities) and we generally chat via Facebook.  The message was very uplifting and encouraging, but the things that stood out for me were these:  1) sometimes as single mothers, we are so used to depending on ourselves  and being independent that it's hard to submit and give things to God to handle; 2) "that to our naked eye, a giant tidal wave is cresting and about to crash down on us like Hurricane Sandy, but when we submit ourselves to God we begin to feel the presence of the Giant invisible hand that is holding back the wave;" and 3) "there is someone watching you and waiting for you to slip up so they can say I told you so - there is someone else who is waiting for you to praise God in the middle of your circumstances so that they can be reassured that they can praise their way out of theirs!"  This may not seem remarkable to you, but it is to me because there is no way that she could/would know anything that is going on in my world at this moment (besides reading here) so I know that this was a message.  And she took the time to send that to me in the midst of making homegoing services for her dad (which I didn't know until this morning).  So to her I say, thank you, friend.  Scratch that.  Thank you to MY friend, Angela Clark-Terrall and I am praying for your family as you deal with your loss.  We will connect soon; you have been great to me over the years and I have never forgotten your kindness.  I love you dearly.

Secondly, a friend from high school who I am connected with these days via Facebook (she lives in another city and state) sent a group of people a message, saying that she was listing all of the people that God told her to pray for and my name was on her list.  Specifically, she stated "Over the next 7 days I will list people that God has asked me to pray for that He deems worth fighting for... What am I fighting for?  Your patience, courage, obedience, strength and so much more."  When I finally made it onto Facebook to read that, it brought tears to my eyes.  Again, this isn't a person I talk to regularly, so only God could have told her to do it.  To her also I say, thank you friend to MY friend, Evelyn Henderson-Barker.  I have always loved and respected your spirit, even back at Morgan Park.  I so appreciate you and I hope that we will see each other again one day so I can properly thank you for thinking of me. 

Now, those may seem to be two random occurrences to you, but for believers, we recognize them as the voice of God.  And all I can say is "I hear You."  Even though I don't understand everything that is happening right now and I feel like I'm drowning, I hear You and I trust You.  The Word says, in Proverbs 3:5-6: 

5Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths

 

What do I always say?  I am a Work in Progress, so I struggle sometimes with getting this thing right and I miss the mark.  Often.  But each day, I get a new opportunity to aim for it again.  No, things are not perfect.  They are the furthest from perfect that I have ever experienced in my whole life and I've experienced a lot more than most people, unfortunately.  But, still I press on and I'm gonna be in church this week and every week going forward, thanking Him in advance for my breakthrough when it happens. 

 

So my question for you is can YOU recognize the voice of God and how has HE spoken to you?  Holla @ Darvi!  Be blessed and have a great weekend!