Adjusting to Suddenly...

Greetings, Blogland!  I will apologize for not being more consistent this year, but if I can just be my usual transparent self for a minute… For one thing, there’s been so much going on that both makes me happy and that has broken my heart (personally as well as in our turbulent world) and I do have a partially written post about all of that.  But seriously? For real, for real?  I’ve been hurt and angry, and busy and bitter.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what you were expecting to read, huh?  But, it’s the truth.  Before I go further, let me say this - to my readers who actually know me in real life, I hope that you can read without judging; this is me talking about where I am, not disparaging anyone else.  K?  Great, let's keep going.

You see, the days after my last post marked a year since life as I knew it changed (I want to be dramatic and say "forever," but of course I don't know that. I only know what it felt like at that time, but I digress - as usual), and I fell into a severe funk.  The move, the feelings, the uncertainty, the abandonment, the memories, the feelings, the tears - they all came back. And not in a just for a moment and you move on kind of way.  No, it was like I was reliving it all over again and let me tell you, it has been awful!  What's worse is that it's not something you can just share with anyone, because people feel like after a year you should be well-adjusted and "ok." But who determines what is "ok" and how long it takes you to get there????

Approximately a week after my last post, my cousin died - suddenly.  There was no lengthy illness, no prognosis and no warning.  One minute he was here and then, suddenly, he wasn't.  And we've struggled with it.  I'm sure no one has struggled more than his wife and daughter, but it impacted us all.  I can honestly say that the full weight of it didn't hit me until the funeral last Friday. I have an aversion to funerals, ever since my grandmother died, I can't fully explain it, but I'll try.  When it's a member of my family, there is a terror that grips me the moment I pull up to the church.  As I get closer to the church, I start breathing hard. Before I walk in, I have to take a deep breath and talk myself into actually going in.  Pause again in the foyer, take another deep breath before walking inside.  To get to the front where the rest of my family was assembled, I had to walk down a long aisle and the whole time, there was a conversation going on in my head, where I willed myself to keep walking and to not duck out before anyone saw me (I purposely skipped the wake and the group family walk in thing).  I stopped short of going all the way to the front; I settled on the third row back. Too late, my cousin saw me and had me move up, closer to the fold.  So I did, ended up sitting behind my mother and aunt, who were on the first row.  

My cousin was a military man (USMC) and a policeman. The photo above is the keepsake that was given to his wife at the repast by the Village he served for 21 years. Flanking the (beautiful) casket were two photos that had been blown up to poster size; his boot camp photo from 1977 and his police officer photo.  I tried to concentrate on the singing, the words being spoken, but I ended up just looking at the ceiling and trying not to have a full scale panic attack.  I did alright for awhile, then it was just too much and I needed an escape to collect myself. I went out and found one of my first cousins in the foyer, unable to walk back in.  Eventually we did, arms linked and leaning on one another.  What had us so messed up?  I'll tell you. It was looking around at our little family cluster and knowing that it wouldn't be long before we'd be back again and that it never gets any easier.  

Anyway, the minister who gave the eulogy being apprised of the circumstances surrounding my cousin's life and sudden death, aptly titled his sermon "How do we adjust to suddenly?" That caught my attention, and as he spoke, the wheels started turning in my head and I took my phone out and started making notes (that's been happening a lot lately, probably seriously weirded my cousin out), I figured I could use them for something later (and here we are).  This is what he said in reference to my cousin:  don't allow grief to be the representation of his life; don't allow grief to tarnish who he was or take it into our future. Instead, he told us to stand on his legacy and memories.  He really had my attention now. He used Romans 8:18 to encourage us to look towards the future:  "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (NIV). He further encouraged us to always thank God, even when we don't understand the "suddenly."  Psalm 34:1 says:  "I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will always be on my lips" (NIV). Then he said perhaps the most profound thing of all, the thing that has had me thinking for the past five days - he said, "don't let a moment convince you that there's no God."  

Whoa.  That was deep, right?  I mean, nobody really does that, do they? I don't do that, do I????  That's what has been on my mind and I've come to the conclusion that yeah, maybe I have.  Just a wee bit.  Not in a my whole worldview has been shattered and the foundation of my faith is shattered kind of way, naw, not like that.  But, if I'm being honest (and that's what we do, right?), I have to admit that at certain moments, the "suddenlys," if you will, I may have had the question of whether He saw me.  Whether, in this huge world with all that's going on, He actually had time to see and hear me too.  

Am I the only one??? I'm talking about the times when a suddenly or two comes up on you and you don't have time to catch your breath and you're in a corner with your back against the wall and you have a constant stream of tears rolling down your face and you are full of fear and panic, and you can barely even get the words to a prayer out in between your sobs - those kind of suddenlys. Because you see, framily, those are the kinds of suddenlys I've had.  The kind of suddenlys that make you cry yourself to sleep, then wake up with a fresh set of tears that have you in sunglasses and reapplying your eye makeup in the office bathroom, only to cry it back off throughout the day.  Job loss?  Suddenly.  Relationship loss?  Suddenly.  Friendship loss?  Suddenly.  Pulling the last few dollars from your savings account and you have no further resources?  Suddenly.  The loss of a loved one? Suddenly. When you really and truly don't know what to do, it could be very easy to fall in the mindset that there is no God or that He has forgotten about you.    

And you know what?  That is just what the enemy wants you to believe, that you don't matter, that you are not important and that He doesn't have time to worry about little old you. Don't believe it!  The word says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV). Maybe you weren't destined to be a prophet like Jeremiah, but the point is that, He knew us all befor we were born, and He has a plan for us, even in the midst of suddenly.  "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  Luke 12:7 (NIV).  If you're like me, you've probably heard that verse many times, but maybe you never understood the full weight of what it actually means.  It means that He cares about you so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head, and that you are worth to him than whole groups of His other creations (paraphrasing of course)!  It means that, like the Israel and New Breed song, you are NOT forgotten, God knows your name!  Great spot for a song, don'tcha think?  Go check out the song, you know you wanna!   

What a great song, right?  It always makes me happy!  And it reminds me.  Even in the bad times.  Because here's the flip side, just as a "suddenly" can change things for worse, a suddenly can also change things for good.  Don't believe me?  Let's look at 2 Chronicles 29:36:  "And Hezekiah rejoiced, and all the people, that God had prepared the people: for the thing was done suddenly." (KJV); "Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced at what God had brought about for his people, because it was done so quickly" (NIV).  Or how about in Matthew 15 where the Canaanite woman approached Jesus for help because her daughter was demon possessed; and Jesus replied that it was not right to tkae the children's bread and toss it to the dogs. Her response was that even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.  And in verse 28, Jesus answered:  "Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed at that moment (NIV) or "suddenly" if you're reading KJV.  

All well and good, right?  How does this apply in your real life?  Heck, in my real life? I'm glad you asked!  What it means is that we shoudn't lose hope in the face of tragedies that suddenly occur, whether in our own personal lives or in the world.  God is still God despite the bad.  Instead, we are to keep our praise always (in the words of one of my favorite Fred Hammond songs) - may as well drop it here, right?  Here you go:

And know that just as suddenly as tragedy happens, God can open the floodgates of heaven and bless you beyond what you could ever imagine!  From job loss and unemployment to multiple job offers! From relationship loss to a better relationship! From friendship loss to new friends that truly understand the true meaning of friendship! From the loss of a loved one to the birth of a new loved one (true story, my nephew was born a year to the day after my grandmother's death).  

But we still haven't answered the question, have we?  The question posed by the minister and inherent in the title of this post - How do we adjust to suddenly?  My answer can be summed up like this:  getting into God's word for direction and trust.  And here is my scriptural authority:

Psalm 119:105:  "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (NIV)

and

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight" (NIV) or "He will direct your path" for the KJV people.  

It's not easy, not by a long shot.  But, every day is a new day to try again.  And who knows? Today could just be the day that your "suddenly" comes!

Anybody else out there either adjusting to a suddenly or suddenly been blessed?  Holla @ Darvi and let's talk about it!!!  Be Blessed! xoxoxoxo

Farewell, Cousin Felton!  I'm glad God saw fit to have us be family.  Your legacy of serving and protecting will live on.  

Chapter 19...

What's good, Blogland??? So, I have to admit, I spent the entire holiday weekend in bed, watching television or sleeping (well, I did do a little straightening up Saturday morning, also a 30-45 minute Walmart run on Saturday and church/errands on Sunday for about 4 hours total).  One reason is that I was binge-watching the entire first season of Greenleaf (total sidenote, if you haven't watched it, go do it NOW!!! It is an excellent show (and this is coming from someone who doesn't watch a whole lot of television these days)).  Another reason is that I was having a little bit of a pity party... but, today dictated that I get up and deal with the outside world.  They happen, don't be alarmed, sometimes we all have a "woe is me" moment; the thing is to not let it drag on too long and get yourself up!

So anyhoo, I'm going to make this post as brief as I can (but no promises!).  I'm sure you think that the title is odd, but I promise you won't when I finish.  Ready?  Great, let's dig in.

So for the month of August, my church, Victory Apostolic, celebrated its 20th anniversary. Every year in August in lieu of weekly bible class, the church has revival with visiting ministers coming in.  This year was no different.  So I must confess - I have NEVER attended any of the revival nights until last week (August 30th) and that was mainly because I was guilted into going (transparent city over here).  It doesn't really matter why I made it, but by the time I get to the end of this, you will be glad that I did (as was I)...

So our guest speaker for the evening was Pastor E. Dewey Smith from Atlanta.  I had never heard him speak before, but let me tell you - he's a dynamic speaker!  If I'm ever in his area, I will most definitely attend his church.  But I digress.  The theme for this year's anniversary was "Extolling our Past, Embracing our Present and Envisioning our Future."  The scripture was John 12:3:   

Then Mary took about a pint[a] of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

For those of you unfamiliar with the passage, it takes place approximately 6 days before Passover; they were in Bethany (a few miles from Jerusalem).  Mary, Martha and Lazarus lived there; it was one of Jesus' favorite resting spots.  The Bible indicates that Jesus loved them (Chapter 11).  Pastor Smith used as his topic, "Let your hair down," which he explained was a secular phrase meaning to relax.  However, in this sense, Mary, in a moment of celebration, she affirmed the deity of Jesus and literally "let her hair down."  How did she do this?  

1) She anointed him with perfume (costly perfume)

• it cost a year's salary in those days
• she poured it onto Jesus' feet in celebration of who He is
• nard was never diluted, always used in its purest form
• Sidenote:  always give God your best 

2) She was aware of His person

• why we do and for whom we do it is the definition of ministry 
• See 1st Corinthians:  1-14 letter to the reader; 15 resurrection; 16 resources 
• stewardship is your eulogy; it expresses your heart toward the one who died for you
• those who don't know God don't bring their best

3) She was actively giving praise

• back then, women's hair was their "glory"
• Mary put her "glory" at the feet of Jesus
• she gave Him praise for what he had already done:  in John, Chapter 11, Jesus resurrected Lazarus

(I'm sure by now, you are probably wondering where this odd title comes in, just sit tight, I promise, it's relevant!)

4) She was also giving Him praise for what he was going to do

• nard was also used as an embalming fluid
• Jesus' death is recorded in John, Chapter 19

Now, putting it all together, what can we learn from Mary's letting her hair down?  I'm glad you asked!  It's really quite simple and it boils down to this:  Give God your best praise now in spite of the Hell you've been through, in anticipation of your Chapter 19 (the manifestation of God's blessings in your life)!  One more 'gain for those slow to catch it:

• Your Chapter 11 is when you called on God and it seems like He's not hearing you or showing up late (it's in your Bible, go read it!);
• Your Chapter 12 is when you give God your best praise now, in spite of; 
• Your Chapter 19 is the manifestation!

Got it?  Good - I'm praising God for my Chapter 19 and yours too!

Did this help somebody today?  I hope so!  You know the drill, Holla @ Darvi and let me know!  Be Blessed!!!

Faint Not

Hello, Blogland Framily!!! As you can see, I took the summer off.  Unintentionally at first, but then it became very intentional as I realized that I needed to recharge my batteries.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say; there has been so much happiness, sadness, pride and defeat this summer, both in my personal world and the world at large.  

There was sadness, anger and outrage and more and more unarmed African-Americans were gunned down, both by police and cruel, heartless thugs who clearly don't aim well. There was more sadness as I witnessed the horrifying shootings of police officers in Dallas and Louisiana.  There was pride as I watched so much #blackgirlmagic at the Olympics, yet defeat when I saw how the public was more concerned about Gabby's hair than celebrating her accomplishments.  More defeat as the closeted, unspoken racism in America is now front and center, with the upcoming Presidential Election at the forefront.  And that's just a snippet of the things that happened in the world at large - there were many more happy and sad moments that occurred over the summer.  

It was the same in my personal world.  July 31st marked year 3 since my professional world was turned upside down.  It is very close to the one-year anniversary of my personal world being shaken, not stirred.  The same for my friendship garden - it looked very different than it did just one year ago (for awhile it looked like rabbits had eaten everything, much like they're doing to the grass in my yard right now). Just a year ago found me on the edge of a precipice with a wall at my back... But God.

You see, there has been enough happening to make one want to holler, in the words of Marvin Gaye.  Enough to make even the strongest person want to sit a spell and catch their breath.  And make no mistake, I've been tired, weary if you will.  And I've had to take some much needed rest periods from lots of people and things over the past year so I could quiet myself and hear.  This summer was no exception.

This summer, I took my first vacation in 9 years.  And although I had trepidation about spending the money, I'm glad I did it - I needed it.  This summer I also made a life-altering decision concerning my career - I've decided to give it up.  Well, at least in its most common form.  I will still be doing some project work while I transition, but I am actively pursuing opportunities outside of the field of law.  I will also be pursuing something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl - teach.  So I will be going into the K-8 classroom as well to determine if I truly want to switch to education permanently.  A huge decision, but one that has lifted a huge burden from me (not to mention erased some stress...).

Speaking of, I'm not sure if it's the stress or hormones that have me on the edge of crying a lot of days here lately.  Case in point, Sunday after church, while having a conversation with my journey sister, when she looked me in my eyes and asked how I was, I just lost it!  I told her the truth - that I was tired and a bit overwhelmed (I had gotten some bad news on Friday that had greyed up my weekend a bit).  The good thing (and a thing I really like about my church) is that immediately she, Evangelist Carpenter, one of my sorority sisters and another friend, who were all nearby, noticed my distress and immediately came over to comfort me.  Then my pastor walked over, inquired and he prayed for me.  That made me feel much better and grateful to be in a ministry where the pastor is not above touching the people.  

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I had the occasion to be at the homegoing services of my line sister and found myself sitting next to a "seasoned" soror from my undergraduate chapter (1973) that I love dearly, and we were talking and just catching up before the services began as it's been some time since we've seen one another.  She started asking me about different aspects of my life, most of which are dramatically different from the last time we had spoken.  She was visibly shocked and I had to struggle to keep it together, and I explained to her simply that I was tired and needed a break.  Other things were forced breaks that almost broke me, but a break nonetheless.

Anyhoo, later on yesterday found me with my journey sister checking in again and catching up with one another.  Everything boiled down to the same sentiment - I'm tired.  Before we left to head over to church for service, she handed me a gift bag.  Inside was a lovely one-year devotional journal:

She said, although the year is almost over over, this is a way for you to stay connected and to be sure and have at least a few moments of quiet time with God.  I was very surprised, grateful and it's so pretty!  The embossing reads, "My strength and my song," and on the back is Psalm 59:16 in its entirety.  Very nice and apropos.  Right?

I'm sure by now you're wondering where I'm going with all of this long, drawn-out story, am I right?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

I had initially decided to wait and start the devotion tomorrow (Thursday, September 1st) since it was the beginning of a new month, but for some reason I grabbed it and put it in my bag today.  Then I started to leave it in the car when I got to the train, but at the last minute, I grabbed it.  Once I was settled on the train I turned to August 31st and guess what the title was?  "Do not grow weary."  Apparently I needed to read it TODAY.

The scripture for today - "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:19 ESV  The devotional reading begins to discuss the concept of sowing and reaping, basically that you reap what you sow.  For example, if you plant corn, you will reap corn.  You can confidently sow a row of spinach and not expect cauliflower to grow instead - you didn't sow cauliflower seeds.  The devotion goes on to note that the same principle applies to sowing seeds of goodness:  "If you sow seeds of goodness like forgiveness, gentleness, and honesty, you are guaranteed to reap the fruit of those seeds.  There is one trick - don't give up.  Don't plan to reap something that you just started sowing.  Maybe you will see fruit immediately from the good seeds you planted, but in most cases, it takes years.  Rest assured, you will eventually reap the seeds of goodness if you don't give up."  The last piece of the devotional was a short prayer:  "Lord, help me not grow weary in doing good.  Give me long term vision that doesn't get discouraged in short term losses."  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the point of this post.

When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to my physical body (although that clearly does get tired and certainly my 45-year old body that stays constantly in a state of revolution gets tired with no shortage of help from my blood pressure medicine, but I digress).  I'm referring to emotionally; exhausted from the effort of continually pouring into people and things and feeling like it is of no use.  And I'm tired, that's for certain.  The thing is, and what I've taken from this devotional reading, is that while it's natural to feel tired/weary when you aren't seeing results right away from your efforts, you should press on.  Applying that to my own life, it might appear to the naked eye that I have given up in some respects.  But, under the surface, know that each transition and life change has been prayed about and divinely directed.  Thing is, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion, and in some cases, one step forward, two steps back.  That feeling makes you want to chuck in the towel and just let go.  And that's precisely what the devotion was speaking to - not giving up your long term vision out of discouragement!  You SHALL reap a harvest of blessings!!!

So I encourage you today, whether it be a job search, furthering your education, opening a business - whatever it is, faint not!!!  And here's a song to feed your spirit as well, Ricky Dillard and New G, "If We Faint Not."  

How was your summer???? Holla @ Darvi and let me know! Be blessed, Blogland and enjoy your evening!!!  xoxoxoxo

Faint Not

Hello, Blogland Framily!!! As you can see, I took the summer off.  Unintentionally at first, but then it became very intentional as I realized that I needed to recharge my batteries.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say; there has been so much happiness, sadness, pride and defeat this summer, both in my personal world and the world at large.  

There was sadness, anger and outrage and more and more unarmed African-Americans were gunned down, both by police and cruel, heartless thugs who clearly don't aim well. There was more sadness as I witnessed the horrifying shootings of police officers in Dallas and Louisiana.  There was pride as I watched so much #blackgirlmagic at the Olympics, yet defeat when I saw how the public was more concerned about Gabby's hair than celebrating her accomplishments.  More defeat as the closeted, unspoken racism in America is now front and center, with the upcoming Presidential Election at the forefront.  And that's just a snippet of the things that happened in the world at large - there were many more happy and sad moments that occurred over the summer.  

It was the same in my personal world.  July 31st marked year 3 since my professional world was turned upside down.  It is very close to the one-year anniversary of my personal world being shaken, not stirred.  The same for my friendship garden - it looked very different than it did just one year ago (for awhile it looked like rabbits had eaten everything, much like they're doing to the grass in my yard right now). Just a year ago found me on the edge of a precipice with a wall at my back... But God.

You see, there has been enough happening to make one want to holler, in the words of Marvin Gaye.  Enough to make even the strongest person want to sit a spell and catch their breath.  And make no mistake, I've been tired, weary if you will.  And I've had to take some much needed rest periods from lots of people and things over the past year so I could quiet myself and hear.  This summer was no exception.

This summer, I took my first vacation in 9 years.  And although I had trepidation about spending the money, I'm glad I did it - I needed it.  This summer I also made a life-altering decision concerning my career - I've decided to give it up.  Well, at least in its most common form.  I will still be doing some project work while I transition, but I am actively pursuing opportunities outside of the field of law.  I will also be pursuing something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl - teach.  So I will be going into the K-8 classroom as well to determine if I truly want to switch to education permanently.  A huge decision, but one that has lifted a huge burden from me (not to mention erased some stress...).

Speaking of, I'm not sure if it's the stress or hormones that have me on the edge of crying a lot of days here lately.  Case in point, Sunday after church, while having a conversation with my journey sister, when she looked me in my eyes and asked how I was, I just lost it!  I told her the truth - that I was tired and a bit overwhelmed (I had gotten some bad news on Friday that had greyed up my weekend a bit).  The good thing (and a thing I really like about my church) is that immediately she, Evangelist Carpenter, one of my sorority sisters and another friend, who were all nearby, noticed my distress and immediately came over to comfort me.  Then my pastor walked over, inquired and he prayed for me.  That made me feel much better and grateful to be in a ministry where the pastor is not above touching the people.  

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I had the occasion to be at the homegoing services of my line sister and found myself sitting next to a "seasoned" soror from my undergraduate chapter (1973) that I love dearly, and we were talking and just catching up before the services began as it's been some time since we've seen one another.  She started asking me about different aspects of my life, most of which are dramatically different from the last time we had spoken.  She was visibly shocked and I had to struggle to keep it together, and I explained to her simply that I was tired and needed a break.  Other things were forced breaks that almost broke me, but a break nonetheless.

Anyhoo, later on yesterday found me with my journey sister checking in again and catching up with one another.  Everything boiled down to the same sentiment - I'm tired.  Before we left to head over to church for service, she handed me a gift bag.  Inside was a lovely one-year devotional journal:

She said, although the year is almost over over, this is a way for you to stay connected and to be sure and have at least a few moments of quiet time with God.  I was very surprised,d grateful and it's so pretty!  The embossing reads, "My strength and my song," and on the back is Psalm 59:16 in its entirety.  Very nice and apropos.  Right?

I'm sure by now you're wondering where I'm going with all of this long, drawn-out story, am I right?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

I had initially decided to wait and start the devotion tomorrow (Thursday, September 1st) since it was the beginning of a new month, but for some reason I grabbed it and put it in my bag today.  Then I started to leave it in the car when I got to the train, but at the last minute, I grabbed it.  Once I was settled on the train I turned to August 31st and guess what the title was?  "Do not grow weary."  Apparently I needed to read it TODAY.

The scripture for today - "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:19 ESV  The devotional reading begins to discuss the concept of sowing and reaping, basically that you reap what you sow.  For example, if you plant corn, you will reap corn.  You can confidently sow a row of spinach and not expect cauliflower to grow instead - you didn't sow cauliflower seeds.  The devotion goes on to note that the same principle applies to sowing seeds of goodness:  "If you sow seeds of goodness like forgiveness, gentleness, and honesty, you are guaranteed to reap the fruit of those seeds.  There is one trick - don't give up.  Don't plan to reap something that you just started sowing.  Maybe you will see fruit immediately from the good seeds you planted, but in most cases, it takes years.  Rest assured, you will eventually reap the seeds of goodness if you don't give up."  The last piece of the devotional was a short prayer:  "Lord, help me not grow weary in doing good.  Give me long term vision that doesn't get discouraged in short term losses."  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the point of this post.

When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to my physical body (although that clearly does get tired and certainly my 45-year old body that stays constantly in a state of revolution gets tired with no shortage of help from my blood pressure medicine, but I digress).  I'm referring to emotionally; exhausted from the effort of continually pouring into people and things and feeling like it is of no use.  And I'm tired, that's for certain.  The thing is, and what I've taken from this devotional reading, is that while it's natural to feel tired/weary when you aren't seeing results right away from your efforts, you should press on.  Applying that to my own life, it might appear to the naked eye that I have given up in some respects.  But, under the surface, know that each transition and life change has been prayed about and divinely directed.  Thing is, I feel like everything is moving in slow motion, and in some cases, one step forward, two steps back.  That feeling makes you want to chuck in the towel and just let go.  And that's precisely what the devotion was speaking to - not giving up your long term vision out of discouragement!  You SHALL reap a harvest of blessings!!!

So I encourage you today, whether it be a job search, furthering your education, opening a business - whatever it is, faint not!!!  And here's a song to feed your spirit as well, Ricky Dillard and New G, "If We Faint Not."  

How was your summer???? Holla @ Darvi and let me know! Be blessed, Blogland and enjoy your evening!!!  xoxoxoxo

Lost and Found...

Hello my blogland framily!!!  I hope you've all had a wonderful week! 

Last week went by and found me dealing with a blood pressure flare up.  Let me give you background:  I've always had low blood pressure; never higher than 116/65-70.  One Saturday in November 2014 found me not feeling well and I had no idea what was wrong.  I talked to my sister, who's a nurse, and she suggested (strongly) that I go have my blood pressure checked.  I finally found somewhere to have it checked and it was super high (that was right in the midst of some personal life drama), ended up in urgent care, had a follow-up doctor's appointment and ended up on a low dose of meds for 4 months.  Had full bloodwork done - nothing.  It went back to a (new) normal, then it flared back up again in December 2015.  I had an EKG and a stress test at that time and all was well with my heart. Fast forward to last Monday and I started not feeling well, took my blood pressure and it was up. I left early to get some rest.  Tuesday it was good, but Wednesday I was feeling terrible again, and when I got home and took my pressure, the bottom number was up to 96 and was rising!  (*sidebar* I sound like somebody's Big Momma, talking about "my pressure," lol!)  I drank some NASTY apple cider vinegar water and it went down enough for me to sleep.  The next morning, it was right back up, the bottom number got up to 100 and my doctor told me to come in immediately.  Long story short, I'm back on meds again, for a few months, then another round of bloodwork to come so we can try and find out what the cause is.  All that to say, you all keep me in your prayers; not feeling this full scale revolution thing that is happening with this over 40 body of mine!!!  

Onto the subject of my post- as you know, this past Sunday was Father's Day.  At first, I wasn't gonna be able to hang out with my dad because his schedule was chock full.  So I was a little disappointed, although I didn't tell him that, but I said ok.  I sent him a Father's Day text early in the morning before I started getting ready for church and he called to say that he thought about it and he was going to make the time to hang out with me. Yay!  See, the thing is, I'm thinking I'm kind of a daddy's girl...

I was not fortunate enough to have my parents growing up, due to grown up drama that had nothing really to do with me.  As a result, I didn't have a "daddy" per se (I've stated before that I lived with my grandparents from the age of 8 until I got married and moved out when I was 23).  I struggled with not having my parents, despite having very loving grandparents.  I had a very tenuous relationship with my parents; I didn't really have a relationship with either of them until I was an adult.  Then it was almost like tug of war between them for awhile, which kinda sucked!  When I had my kids, I sat both of them down and asked them to just be the best grandparents they could be.  And you know what?  To their credit, they have been AWESOME!!! My mom, "Little Grandma," and my dad, "Grandpa-pa," have surpassed my wildest dreams - they love my kids and my kids love them.  Awesome sauce! 

I took my first photo with both of my parents in 2006... I was almost 35.  Let that marinate. Anyway, fast forward to 2010 when my grandmother was sick, hospitalized and later died.  I ended up spending a lot of time with my mother and a shift happened in our relationship.Slowly, but surely, she began to fill the void left by my grandmother.  She can't replace grandma, but she has definitely been my mom when I needed her to be.  And for that, I am forever grateful...

But this post is about my dad.  So my parents were young when I was born and it was pretty scandalous in the early 70s for young, unwed, church folks to end up pregnant.  There was a lot of drama going on at that time and unfortunately, I lost my dad in the process.  That had a lot of repercussions, (which are not the subject of this post), but I always wanted and NEEDED my dad.  Over the years, I reached out several times and would "catch and release." When I really grew up, I reached out again, and we both decided to try this thing again.  And you know what?  We haven't looked back since that day!  Now, sometimes things are a little wonky because we're not used to being there (ie. - he's not used to having a daughter and I'm not used to having a dad), but we are working on it. 

I've learned (scratch that, still learning) that I still need him, even though I'm 45 and have my own kids, I still need my daddy.  Only daddies can have righteous indignation when someone does their daughters wrong!  Only daddies still want to protect their "baby girl" when she is hurting.  Only daddies (and mommies) can feel the anguish of not being able to help when they know their child is in trouble.  Only daddies can make their daughter feel like a princess when he gives her unexpected gifts, takes her out for dinner, bakes her red velvet cake and sweet potato pie on request, makes paella, does tequila shots with her for her birthday, and honors her requests for selfies (even when you hate the way you look in pictures because you know that she scrapbooks and pictures are important to her)- - - wait, maybe that's just MY DADDY!  And we've made a commitment to getting together at least once a month (last month for birthday dinner, and this month for Father's Day lunch).  All of that is a good thing and I've been loving the extra time with my dad.  And I'm loving that we've been able more and more to have one-on-one time to just be.  And you know what? I've learned that my dad kinda needs me too... (but that's not the subject of this post either).

Scripture tells the parable of the prodigal son over in Luke 15:11-32.  If you're not familiar, here's a recap:  a father has two sons, the youngest of which asks for his inheritance early. the father gives it to him, and he runs off and spends it wastefully, ends up in a famine, all before deciding to go home, beg for forgiveness and ask his father if he can be one of the hired servants.  Instead, his father sees him on the road, welcomes him back and prepares a feast for him, including a fat calf that was generally reserved for special occasions.  The older son refused to participate, noting that he had never disobeyed his father or left and he had never had so much as a goat prepared for him and his friends!  The father reminded the older son that everything he had would belong to him but that they should still celebrate the return of the younger son, because he was lost and is now found.  This parable is the last of Jesus' parables on loss and redemption, about how the Father always welcomes home his lost sheep.

So why on earth did I choose this passage of scripture?  Well, as usual I thought I was writing about one thing and was led to go in a completely different direction!!!  This post was (so I thought) going to be about me and how I'm a new-fangled, 45-year old daddy's girl. But He had other ideas apparently!  What it's all about is lost and found.

Yep, that's right.  Lost and found.  Like my regular blood pressure.  LIke my parents, specifically like my daddy.  And yes, I am 45 and I call him "daddy" not "dad."  But more so like when we leave from under the covering of our Heavenly Father and He always welcomes us back with open arms.  Jesus compares Himself to a shepherd and we believers are His sheep.  John 10:11 says that the "good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep."  That is exactly what Christ did for us when he lay down his life for us on Calvary. He's always standing there with open arms ready to welcome us to Him, when we repent and accept Him.  And just like my daddy wants to be my helper, protector and treat me like a princess, so does our Heavenly Father want to do the same for us.  If we just return to Him, like the prodigal son returned to his father.

So all that to say - I'm a certified Daddy's Girl, both for my earthly Father and my Heavenly Father.  Just as I thank God for being returned to my earthly father, I also thank God for being returned to Him, because I was one of his lost sheep.  And that, is very good news!!!

So framily, have a great weekend and if you have strayed from the flock, consider going to church this Sunday and returning.  He's waiting for you!!!

Don't forget to Holla @ Darvi and be blessed! xoxoxo

P.S. - Here's some pics of me and my daddy, from my birthday dinner and Father's Day!

 

Reflections on being 45…it has been the best of times and the worst of times!

Happy Tuesday, Blog Framily!  I hope you’ve had a wonderful three weeks!  I have been enjoying my birthday... The big 45.  I paused for a minute to let that sink in (I've been letting it sink in for the past 3 weeks...).

I am truly grateful to God for allowing me to have 45 years on this side and to experience all parts of life, the good, the bad, the ugly!!! Because, face it, it is all parts of life that have shaped me into the me of today (the good, the bad and the ugly…).  Here’s a recap:

I was born – May 25, 1971!  Not born under the ideal circumstances at the time, but I was born.  Here’s a baby picture, not newborn, we had a fire and my baby book was destroyed, but an infant photo just the same:  

And I was given the blessing of being raised by my maternal grandparents, who were to me, simply “Gramma and Gran-deddy” (you have to get that phonetic pronunciation going).

I attended an awesome preschool at Triedstone Full Gospel Church, where I learned to read very early and my love of reading was born (I was reading my mom’s books when I was in kindergarten)!  This is where I had my first graduation; I still remember us singing and performing “10 little Indian boys and girls” (I had forgotten that, it just came back to my remembrance today).  Here’s a picture of my graduation, it’s from 1976:

I attended Bates School (which no longer exists) where I had some awesome teachers that recognized my academic potential and jumped me after a week or two in first grade to second grade.  It was at Bates where I met some folks that would become eternal friends, where I developed my abhorrence for chocolate (milk, ice cream, pudding, frosting, egh!), where I was encouraged to just keep reading and writing, where my fear of worms and dogs was tested to new heights, where I had my first fight and my first crush.  It was also at Bates School where my 5^th grade teacher recommended that I (along with 3 other students) go to Kellogg School to be part of the options for knowledge program, a move that changed my life.

1981 found me being bussed to Kellogg and it was such an important part of my life journey!  I was in the options program in 6^th grade, and it was there I learned to research and really develop my writing.  It was a small school, only one class for each grade, and we were relatively close.  My graduating class had 32 people in it!  It was there I had access to physical science and biology classes, made lifetime friends, participated in “teach-ins” and plays, went to the opera, and was exposed to different things outside of my neighborhood, like a progressive dinner (which I SHALL recreate one day!).  I wish I had pictures, but we were busy living life, not photographing it!  I do have some pictures from my 8^th grade graduation; this is one with me with my mom back in 1984 after the graduation:

The next phase of my life was high school; from 1984-1988, I was an Honors Student at Morgan Park High School right on the south side of Chicago!  There I started my 4-year journey with a small group of students who were in the Honors Track with me and met some others along the way; again, lifetime friendships were formed.  It was there that I had experimental haircuts (asymmetrical bob, anyone?), survived neon and an obsessive fascination with pink during 1985, went on college tours, had sleepovers, played sports, went on dates (once I was old enough), learned how to drive, had my first heartbreak, had my first job (Brown’s Chicken on 116^th & Western), had many excursions to Evergreen Plaza, and enjoyed the heck out of my senior year, including prom.  Those were some of the best years of my life!!!  Here is my "official" senior year book picture:

After that was college; from 1988-1992 I was a student at the University of Illinois in Urbana –Champaign, where I attended on full scholarship.  It was there that I joined my sorority (Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc.), learned that I actually needed to STUDY to get good grades, traveled up and down I-57 more times that I can count, gained and lost the freshman 15, went on road trips, learned to truly live on my own, lost my grandfather (1992, 3 weeks before graduation), grew up and made lifelong friends.  My college graduation was one of the best days of my life, May 17, 1992 (I graduated just mere days before my 21^st birthday):  

Then that came my first forays into real adulthood (1992-2000):  I entered law school (I left law school; took a gap year then went back again), I got engaged and married (later separated and divorced), bought a house, became a mother (to the Teen), went back to school and graduated again, and met who would then become my second husband.  Here are my two graduation photos from John Marshall in 1997 and 2000, respectively:

Just before my 30^th birthday, I got married again and experienced a wonderful honeymoon in Italy.  I had my 30^th birthday twice, once in Rome and then again in Chicago when I got home where my grandmother had prepared all of my favorite foods!  Then just after my 30^th birthday, all hell broke loose.  I was pregnant at the time and ended up in the hospital having emergency surgery on June 19, 2001, when my (unknown) ectopic pregnancy burst my fallopian tube.  I almost died.  To say that was a life-changing event is truly the understatement of ever.  I was hurt and angry.  I had lost my baby and almost my life.  But on the brighter side, I was able to spend that whole summer with the teen before he started school in the fall and we had many adventures!

Fast forward (2002+): We had a house built in the suburbs, was pregnant again in 2003 (after a miscarriage in 2002), gave birth to the tween in 2004 and was generally ok in life… until it changed again!  I turned 35 in 2006 and was feeling rather blah with things.  So the next few years found me separated (again) and moving with my babies in 2009.  Life still went on; I went back to school again (2009), lost my grandma (2010), turned 40 (2011), began a relationship I thought would be my last (it clearly wasn’t), moved again and life was good.. until it wasn’t.  Here's my 2011 graduation picture from Governors State:

The rest of the story you already know:  lost my job in 2013, lost some friends and my relationship (2015), and lost my house (2015), but here I stand.  I gained an awesome church family (Victory Apostolic), began working on several ministries there, became a board member for Habitat for Humanity South Suburbs (2015), joined the Top Ladies (2016), reconnected with some wonderful people and developed some new friendships as well, and am slowly, but surely, righting my balance. 

And that brings us to today, just three weeks after my 45^th birthday, which I celebrated with 50-60 of my friends and family with a Kate Spade-inspired party!  Wasn’t I cute????  

When I look back over my life’s journey, like everyone else’s, it’s not a straight line, but a series of ups and downs as I experienced the best of times and sometimes the worst of times.  But I can truly say that I’ve been blessed and I indeed have a testimony.  I can also say that I’m content and have joy! No, things aren’t perfect where I stand right now, not by a long shot.  But I can see the hand of God at work in my life, from having me skip 1^st grade to living with my grandparents to sending me to U of I on a full scholarship, to passing the bar exam on the first try under truly egregious and mostly non-existent study conditions, to every unhappy ending and each new beginning – brand new mercies everyday!!! Looking back gives me even more hope for the future!  My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades!!!

Scripture says:  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path – Proverbs 3:5-6.  I don’t know about you, but I am learning more and more each day to trust God with EVERYTHING, even the things that seem small, and to listen to the urgings of the Holy Spirit in telling me what to do.  And you know what?  He will indeed direct your path!  It is a learning curve, for sure, but it gets easier and easier the more you do it.

 

I would like to take this time to thank my village – my family and friends – who have been there through all of it:  the good times, the bad times, the happy times, the sad times.  As one of my favorite songs by the Mississippi Mass Choir says:  "having you there made the difference."  So thank you.  I appreciate and love my village so much, even though I'm not always able to see or talk to them, I know they are there, rooting for me, praying for me. And it makes it all worth it.

I know that I have indeed been blessed in my 45 years; and I believe that God still has yet to do his greatest work through me.  Right now, I am going where He leads me and enjoying each step of the journey.  I hope that you will trust Him with your journey too!

Have a blessed week!  Oh and I'm still collecting birthday wishes, so Holla @ Darvi!!!

xoxoxo

Give us THIS day...

Happy Wednesday, my Blog Framily!  Yes, I know that it is really Thursday, but just go with it...  I hope this week has been kind to you all thus far.  I won't EVEN talk about the weather; it's been lovely fall weather here in my birthday month!!!  I'm just saying; at least it has stopped raining buckets 'round these parts (for the moment anyway).  

I am just days away from the kickoff to celebrating my 45th birthday (which is a week from today) and I am blessed.  A year ago, my life was very different- we will just leave it at that for now.  I'm also marveling at how different I felt just 5 short years ago on the eve of my 40th birthday. I'll save that for my birthday post next week...

I don't have a whole lot to say today; but I was watching a youtube video of a young man's urban ministry and something he said stopped me cold.  He was doing his gospel rap thing, telling people to pray and he started reciting the Lord's Prayer, and when he got to "give us this day, our daily bread..." he stopped.  He stopped there to break down the words "give us this day."  And he really touched me so much that I knew I had to share the gist of what he said with you to encourage someone today.  

"Give us THIS day, our daily bread..." - Matthew 6:11.  We are so used to saying those words in the Lord's Prayer and moving on to the rest of it.  But have you ever stopped to think about what those words mean?  Give us THIS day, our daily bread...

When we ask God to give us this day, our daily bread, we are asking Him for provision for today and today only.  Not that we won't need provision for tomorrow, but this is just a reminder to deal with the day in front of us and not to worry about what's to come in the future.  A reminder that God's got this.  Scripture says that "my God shall supply all of your needs according to his riches in glory" - Philippians 4:19.  Scripture also says "therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" - Matthew 6:34.  

So to myself, the worrywart and those of you who are constantly worried about the days to come- STOP IT!  Enjoy THIS day that you have been given.  Ask God to give you your daily bread and keep it moving.  It's just that simple.  Don't worry about what happened or didn't happen yesterday or a month ago or even a year ago.  Put one foot in front of the other and deal with just one day at a time.  Be thankful for THIS day and know that God has it and you in His hands!

That's it, that's all!  I'm spiralling towards the weekend!

To check out Willie Moore, Jr.'s video, you can do so here:

Whatcha think?  Holla @ Darvi and let me know!  Be Blessed!!! xoxoxo