Security of Identity...

Dear Blog Land,

Happy 2018!  Yes, of course I am fully aware that 2018 started 21 days ago and that I am horribly late with my greeting!  And that it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I last posted (a full post).  And also that there really are no excuses.  Except, well, life happened.  And as life happens, sometimes we actually have to sit back and just let.it.happen.  I will apologize in advance for the LONG POST today; but, well, you know!

I have missed centering myself and pouring out to you.  But, I had to truly take some time to be poured into.  2017 was a lot of things.  Like every other year, there were valleys (some lower than I have ever been before), but also there were tremendous highs (some that I never thought possible).  2017 was also a year of serious change in almost every area of my life! 

There's so much I want to say, I already know I will have to break this into several posts to get to it all.  And being me, I simply must do it in an orderly and methodical manner (what less would you expect from an OCD person?); if you missed my previous post about being OCD, you can read it here.

So my word of the year for 2017 was "focus."  That was the word I chose to direct the year (which I apparently did NOT share with you, so here's a brief synopsis).  Let's start with the definition of the word, found here:

Definition of focus 

                                                    

plural foci play \ˈfō-ˌsī also -ˌkī\ also focuses

1 a : a center of activity, attraction, or attention

   b : a point of concentration     

2 : directed attention : emphasis

3 a : direction 6c

b : a state or condition permitting clear perception or understanding

Next, my reasons for choosing the word.  2016 was actually "alright" for the most part.  The last quarter of the year was not.  I found myself grappling with a tremendous loss of self and still dealing with the ever-present financial woes of the day.  And I felt that I need to simply focus more: inward and outward.  There's more, but you get the gist.  If you missed my January 2016 post about why I choose a word of the year and the background on it, you can read it here.


The things that I did not stop doing in 2017 were 1) going to church weekly (I probably missed less than 5 Sundays the whole year), in case you forgot, that's Victory Apostolic Church in Matteson, IL; 2) continuing with my second year of Discipleship University (also at VAC); and 3) engaging in outreach activities.  All of which were things that kept me rooted and focused no matter what was going on. And trust me, there was PLENTY going on in 2017!  I'm going to do a four-part post about 2017 (I promise, I'm really going to do it), but not today. 


What I want to focus on today (see, there's that word again), is just about being secure.  Not
speaking in terms of financial security (although that's usually the first thing that people think of and certainly it is important).  But I mean being spiritually secure.  Because it's our souls that really matter, right?


On Saturday I received a spiritual "whooping" from my good friend Val in response to my emotional meltdown (yes, there's no other word for it but meltdown).  There is a thing (among things) that I am dealing with right now and it is exerting a lot of pressure on my life at the moment.  As I expressed to her, I felt "terrified" by it.  And she got me right real quick with a good old reminder to stop focusing on that thing, but instead focus on the Father who has control of all things (yes, even my thing)!  I paraphrased because I was not taking notes in the midst of my meltdown... I had a good cry, which was cathartic, and then I set about the business of letting go of the clutter that had invaded both my mind and my house.  I told that Google home thing (a gift from the boy, you'll hear about Christmas later) to start playing me some good old gospel music and got to work!  But if you're curious now, you can check it out here.


When I got to church on Sunday, the sermon was the last in a series on Soul, Mind and Body.  Without getting too deep (and I don't have my notes anyway), Pastor Singleton spoke about getting control of our bodies (or flesh).  Which for me looks like pushing myself to do things when I otherwise cave into the feeling of being too tired or controlling flesh in all its forms (especially the words that come out of my mouth)!  Ouch.  Which directly pertained to the clutter that I had allowed to accumulate and made excuses for (usually being too tired). I'm about 85% done with the projects I started on Saturday (yes, I made a list), and it already feels good (and looks better too)! 


But let's get back to that fear thing, or as I labeled it, "terrified."  During that chat on Saturday, I had to face some ugly truths.  Mostly about who I depended on and trusting that God's got me, no matter what.  Which I really do know better, but this flesh!  If you recall, I deal a whole lot with trust on this blog.  And I almost always keep coming back to it because I am a firm believer that trusting in God (exercising faith, whatever you want to call it) is how we are going to make it in this world and have a relatively stress-free existence.  Now, that doesn't mean that we will never have concerns and that everything will be a bed of roses all the time.  Far from the truth!  Beginning to trust God more will likely open up the most horrific can of worms that you could ever imagine!  But at the end of the day, the question is whether you are going to try and operate out of yourself or will you trust that God has it?  


Being honest (and what would this blog be without my honesty?), being an INTJ person (if you are not familiar with Meyers Briggs personality labels, you can get a quick primer here), I base my actions and make judgments based on logic and objective data, so I struggle in this area.  A lot. Also, I think that I put a lot of pressure to be the best at EVERYTHING on myself that is sometimes just unnecessary (raise your hand if you know it's impossible anyway!!!) and I believed I am being judged for being less than.  By people and even God.  But as the sermon yesterday reminded me, as a believer, our shortcomings have been covered by Christ's blood so that we appear blemish-free before God.  And honestly?  It's ok.    


I hope that this post will be encouraging for someone; I find that when I get too far off and into my own head and path that I get reminders (sometimes not so gentle) to turn my focus, not inward or outward but UPWARDS.  I just want to leave you (for now), with two things.  One is a scripture that should most decidedly be in your war room arsenal:


Romans 8:38-39New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And two, this lovely image of my calendar for today (January 22nd) - it is a perpetual calendar that was gifted to me last year on a particularly hard day by C-Rob (you can purchase one here):

So wrapping up today - remember that God loves you in spite of you and your identity in him is secure!  Even if you let worry and circumstances cover you in mental and physical clutter (like me).  I love you and there's nothing you can do about it!  Thank you for your readership and patience!  Did this make some sense and bless you today?  Holla at your girl and let me know (or just say hi).

Have a wonderful day, Blogland!!! xoxoxo

~ Darvi